So some things are taken from granted, and life is one of those. I realized it after this week while dealing with highly stressful situations like…
1. My nana went to the hospital after falling and there was a fear that her medicine or something worse was causing these falls, but I know it has to do with age really. She’s fine and out of the hospita now, but she’s getting older and I know I’ll eventually have to deal with her dying, but I don’t know if I can do that now. I don’t know because death twice ruined and pulled apart my family..it’s coming, that anniversary of my uncle’s and papa’s death, and yet they are always are in my dreams and I vividly remember having conversations with them, especially my uncle whom, had a love for music, and I remember some dreams of us talking about music, and then I’d wake up shaking and wanting to cry, but not tears of sadness, but happiness.
And then, my papa comes to me in those same dreams, and while we ended on bad terms, I still cherish his memory and his love he had towards me. I said goodbye not on my terms or his’ but based on a misunderstanding and the manifestation of my mental illness, my Bipolar Disorder. I was blamed, and ridiculed for the changes that were happening to me that I didn’t understand. Now, that I have it mostly in control, I know that he would have forgiven me then.
And 2. I found out a very good friend of mine died a few years back and I had no idea and this idea that a life could be taken so soon, shook and agonized my heart to the very core. I hate not having said goodbye and to know the manner of his death….
finally 3, I’m doing horrible in my classes, because for example, I got my exam 1 back from Biology and realized I really got a D but got 4 points added back because people missed two questions on the test consistently. Evolution is difficult, I’m telling you. It’s nice to think of it as something, but it’s difficult for me. That’s what we studied and had the exam over, Evolution. Sigh. And then Intermediate Algebra is a pain for me along with Government. What the hell is wrong with me? Why has this week been the hardest and why this semester all of a sudden?
Then with all the fighting with my husband…all because I felt like he treated me different than others, because always, I’m blamed for my family and their lack of love and dedication to each other and the fact that they always hurt each other for petty reasons, and also my parents.
I’m doing the best I can, but I was told it wasn’t good enough.
I’m still running in that same circle in that same cage. I feel like I never had a chance to do the things I really wanted and that I probably can’t in the future. It might be worse and selfish of me to have children and that’s the argument that I’ll deal with it when and if I do choose to have children later down the road. It’s a lot tougher with a mental illness that wasn’t your choice. Even in my toughest days, I still fight. I still do.