To My Dear Departed Friends

 

So some things are taken from granted, and life is one of those. I realized it after this week while dealing with highly stressful situations like
1. My nana went to the hospital after falling and there was a fear that her medicine or something worse was causing these falls, but I know it has to do with age really. She’s fine and out of the hospita now, but she’s getting older and I know I’ll eventually have to deal with her dying, but I don’t know if I can do that now. I don’t know because death twice ruined and pulled apart my family..it’s coming, that anniversary of my uncle’s and papa’s death, and yet they are always are in my dreams and I vividly remember having conversations with them, especially my uncle whom, had a love for music, and I remember some dreams of us talking about music, and then I’d wake up shaking and wanting to cry, but not tears of sadness, but happiness.

And then, my papa comes to me in those same dreams, and while we ended on bad terms, I still cherish his memory and his love he had towards me. I said goodbye not on my terms or his’ but based on a misunderstanding and the manifestation of my mental illness, my Bipolar Disorder. I was blamed, and ridiculed for the changes that were happening to me that I didn’t understand. Now, that I have it mostly in control, I know that he would have forgiven me then.

And 2. I found out a very good friend of mine died a few years back and I had no idea and this idea that a life could be taken so soon, shook and agonized my heart to the very core. I hate not having said goodbye and to know the manner of his death….

finally 3, I’m doing horrible in my classes, because for example, I got my exam 1 back from Biology and realized I really got a D but got 4 points added back because people missed two questions on the test consistently. Evolution is difficult, I’m telling you. It’s nice to think of it as something, but it’s difficult for me. That’s what we studied and had the exam over, Evolution. Sigh. And then Intermediate Algebra is a pain for me along with Government. What the hell is wrong with me? Why has this week been the hardest and why this semester all of a sudden?

Then with all the fighting with my husband…all because I felt like he treated me different than others, because always, I’m blamed for my family and their lack of love and dedication to each other and the fact that they always hurt each other for petty reasons, and also my parents.

I’m doing the best I can, but I was told it wasn’t good enough.

I’m still running in that same circle in that same cage. I feel like I never had a chance to do the things I really wanted and that I probably can’t in the future. It might be worse and selfish of me to have children and that’s the argument that I’ll deal with it when and if I do choose to have children later down the road. It’s a lot tougher with a mental illness that wasn’t your choice. Even in my toughest days, I still fight. I still do.

 

 

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Posted on February 18th, 2016 in Blog, Uncategorized by Michelle. 8 Comments

Posted on February 19th, 2016, at 12:33 am by Maroon Caludin.

I hate when stuff seems to just go boom and hit you all at once. 🙁 I’m sorry about your losses. That’s always rough…and I get the grandma thing…mine has a tendency to fall too.

As for school don’t be too hard on yourself. Actually with all the stuff, don’t be. Just try your best! That’s all you can do. 😀
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Posted on February 19th, 2016, at 2:21 am by Brice.

Sorry to hear about your friend. Yeah. Death isn’t an easy thing to go through. I went through it twice last year. Both of my grandparents died a few months apart from each other. I guess that’s just life.

It’s nice when the instructor lets you do find out which answers you got wrong and if you got it right, then you’ll get points back. I wish more instructors would be like that. We don’t get a lot of instructors who do that. I still have to do one more science with a lab. I’ll definitely stay away from Biology. I notice as you take the upper classes, it’s gets harder and harder. I find myself squeezing my brains when it comes to test and quizzes.

I know what you mean. Sometimes I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anyone. As I got older, I slowly stop caring about that. There are times where I still think about it. Yeah, I don’t have much friends either both online and offline. In time, I hope to make new friends.
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Posted on February 19th, 2016, at 5:05 am by Kristina.

Having several family members with the various bi-polar (1 and 2) disorders, I understand. I also believe that you have to concentrate on yourself, make sure you are healthy, happy and in control. Everything else will seem to (hopefully) fall into place.

Which, in writing seems so much easier than in practice. But, stay positive and hold onto any optimism you might be able to gather. There is always a light in the dark.
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Posted on February 19th, 2016, at 3:15 pm by Elia.

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time of it lately, it always feels like everything come crashing down all at once. And I wish there was something I could do other than recommend keeping breathing, taking things one step at a time.

I hope you’re able to start finding some measure of balance between family and school and everything else
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Posted on February 19th, 2016, at 4:36 pm by Amy.

Aww, sorry to hear about all this. Life can be hard sometimes but it will get better, even when you don’t think it’s going to. Just keep going, that’s all you can do.

A couple of people from my high school have died over the past few years, and they were only in their twenties. I didn’t know them well, but it’s so strange and sad that some people die so young. It shouldn’t happen, but it does. Hope you’re coping okay with it all.

I’ve had a few bad grades in my time in education. It’s so disappointing!

Hope you’re alright.
Xxx
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Posted on February 20th, 2016, at 4:12 am by Shaw.

It sounds like to me that you’re beating yourself up a lot. I might not have as much experience with going through tough times in life, but I’ve recently realised that once you come to terms with yourself and embrace your good, your bad, you suffering and whatever you have, life kind of turns around internally. It’s not easy. No one deserves a tough life and you deserve so much better.

What I also realised recently is that we have more control over our lives than we think, and it’s not about the result of our actions. Instead, whatever we do forms a chain effect that eventually lead to changes. What I’m trying to get at is that sometimes, we feel helpless because things don’t happen the way we want them to, but that’s because they take time, and whatever you’re doing to improve your situation is already set in motion. I hope you don’t give up and I wish life does turn around on you for the better.
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Posted on February 20th, 2016, at 6:29 am by Jenny KIm.

Wow, you had to deal with a lot of deaths in your life, and you seem to be pretty young. I’m fortunate to still have both my parents and not have to deal with those issues. But it’s really strange to have people that you knew so well just die. I’ve had two friends of mine die in the last few years, and I’m just in my early thirties. I know that the older I get, the more people will disappear, it’s just a part of life that I’ll need to deal with. I hope things get better for you.
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Posted on February 23rd, 2016, at 2:26 pm by Lou.

Hi Mich. I am so sorry to hear those life cringing moments you’ve been facing, but I want you to know that you are never alone in this battle. I know there are people who’ll definitely walk you through all these sufferings, as we may call it. Or either way, know that you’re lucky enough that even to the toughest days of your life, you’re still able to breathe in and out unlike anybody else who’s got worst problems than yours. And I tell you, school’s been too difficult for me this semester too, it actually gave me the motivation to not stop, hence, remain positive though it’s never constant. Everything will be okay, trust me.
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