The Vow of Revenge: Thoughts




It is funny that we have to start off like this, but hang on, I’ve learnt a few things from this car accident business… That I’m like our secondary character here, Kazuhira Miller, seen up top. I say this and because you don’t really have to play the game to get the gist of it, but he’s in the mercenary business and of course in the world of Metal Gear, it just comes to be a convoluted mess. Regardless, in his situation, knowing that he’s in danger every moment, he still tries to live his life the way he wants to. Ultimately, he follows his friend Big Boss in exploring a world of belonging and maybe a haven for people like himself, and while at times can be tricky, it leads to a bit of drama and him losing more than just his limbs, but his sense of identity and self.

But hold up, how can I describe myself to a fictional character like him in a field of warfare that I know nothing about? I’m some peace loving hippie, I tell you, but nevertheless, I am in his situation. The sense of self has been lost and filled with rage and sadness. Depression grips at us both and we find the need to blame others for situations we have no control over. To say that the world has wronged us, is no understatement, or any underestimating. We were wronged because of decisions that were made without our consent. I may not have lost limbs, but I have lost my sense of balance, my serenity as a person, and while that life happens, I find it a greater injustice is done upon my spirit. I know that I am strong and that I shall overcome this, but at what point does this anger and rage consume me to disregard the Mustang’s driver safety? I feel no empathy, at least until first, but I realized that it was cheap to let the rage in. It only harms you. Rage doesn’t let you down, it merely helps you make more mistakes with people and situations. Kaz on the other hand, is in the situation of ‘phantom pain’ and it can be understood where his displaced anguish comes from. He too, just wanted a place of belonging, of shelter from the harsh realities of life.

Too often we take for granted our existence, and play it down, but it is through these situations, through these choices, that we are forced to look at ourselves in the mirror and see who we truly are. I don’t know what kind of man Kazuhira is, and I know that even after revenge, he is left hollow inside, for revenge is very selfish and lingers on, and that’s why I don’t condone revenge or even vengeance for any reason and refuse to take it as a character’s motivation or anyone’s motivation seriously. It simply causes too many problems in the world, but what changes in Kazuhira? What makes his case so special? We both grew up between cultures, between everything and we sought to fit in, but knowing that we took a last name that we despised to carry on. I took my abusive father’s last name, and he took his absent father’s last name, but we used that name to shed ourselves and grow up into something more. We may never fit in with the culture we were born/raised into, but there is that fascination with something we couldn’t touch and why we think the same way we do. Our motivations at the beginning are different, but at the end, we meld together. While his revenge is something I can’t agree with, I understand why it’s there and why it haunts him. Why the car accident haunts me. Why the car accident took away my empathy for another human being. In short, we are both grieving  but in destructive ways; Ways that lead to dead ends and dead ends hurt when you hit them face first.

We both just wanted  happiness in our own ways, and in ways we could easily find it. I was unaware of the realities of ‘phantom pain’ and what caused it and like I said before, I may have not lost limbs, but the pain is very surreal and very open to me. So painful that Tylenol 3 with Codeine has a hard time working on it. So in short, I stopped being human when I started demonizing the other driver that hit us, and while I don’t agree with his actions, I know they caused real harm and that harm comes from inside my mind and inside the torture of being almost half dead. I was almost half dead by that point, as I just wanted to sleep but couldn’t as the EMTs and doctors/nurses kept me up. It was a difficult period of time in my life, but slowly, I’m on the mend, and I hope that Kazuhira Miller, however fictional he may be, is given the proper story arc to finish his own agony. Because I can guarantee that there are people like Kazuhira that are stricken with the same afflictions like us, and experience that ‘phantom pain’, and that peace of mind being stolen. It’s not an easy thing to give back, that peace of mind, but trauma doesn’t have to end everything. We are more than our trauma, and like I said, this is my after photo, but surely, not my only after photo. Trauma can heal, it can change me. It changes us.

That’s what I know and what Kazuhira must have known, because honestly, the writing is brilliant from Kojima, and he’s real because the feelings are real. The revenge is real, and the acceptance is hard to deal with. The acceptance that my life has been change, good or bad, but that depends on me, honestly. I can go which way and do what it is possible.

And in that, Kazuhira Miller can, and does have real feelings, however misplaced they may be now, but still very much understood.

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Posted on December 13th, 2015 in Uncategorized, Writings by Michelle. 3 Comments

Hi Michelle! How are you?
Just dropping by. Hope you’re doing well

Posted on December 13th, 2015, at 8:25 PM by Michelle.

Just been a week free from a car accident. Dealing with the aftermath of that. Fine but hurting. Alive but in pain. Thankful and grateful. I hope you are well!

Posted on December 13th, 2015, at 8:29 PM by Maroon Caludin.

Its pretty amazing how easily we can relate to fictional characters. I know things are rough, but I’m sure you’ll be okay in the end. =3