So, it’s been raining like crazy here in the DFW area of Texas and while it’s a blessing, it sure can drive Marley crazy because all she wants to do is play outside…and you can’t when it’s raining. So yeah, but rain is something we always need down here because honestly, it gets so hot and humid that it’s so muggy but at least with rain, the chances of that happening are nil! Been a productive week for me because I have managed with my new medicine Lamictal go back down to 216 lbs or so and from there the plateau can be broken and I can lose more weight and get my moods on a regular schedule. My relationship with my husband has been a lot better for the most part because I still had trouble with the spending and mania but since my medicine is somewhat doing something because I was told that higher dosages would be better for me but I don’t want the Lamictal rash. Look it up, I dare you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you either because it’s unpleasant to look at but it could happen if I don’t take my dosages right. I gotta climb up that ladder easier and it helps that I practice Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but alas, some trouble did happen with a neighbor and like most things, he was drunk and I can’t handle drunk people. I just can’t.
Alcohol and I do not mix at all and I am not saying that because I can’t drink any, I just say that because of my family’s-mother’s side history with it. In short, they abused it and ended up drunk driving on a lot of different occasions and plus, my mother was an alcoholic for a time and a lot of the time, people do self medicate that way. That’s just how it is. So I called my husband over from inside the house and had my husband talk to the neighbor because honestly, it’s over something that has already been resolved. I just didn’t understand why he needed to tell me these things and not be straight forward and acting all crazy like getting on his knees and begging and hugging me and me smelling that sweet alcoholic breath of his. I let him hug me but I instantly regretted it and I told him all the things I didn’t like-for instance the manhandling and training tips about Marley. She doesn’t even respond to negative reinforcement but rather positive ones and for that, I felt like I have lashed out a few times and tried to think about doing that training on her but I realized that fear wasn’t the answer. Fear wasn’t what I wanted and neither fear aggression either from her because I want her to be happy go lucky all the time regardless and she has for the most part.
I am overjoyed at the things that are getting better because being better shouldn’t feel “weird” or “abnormal” but my brain and even mentality has been conditioned to feel that way for the longest time and it’s a difficult thing to break over time. It’s a terrible habit to self sabotage all the time. It’s exhausting and exasperating when I do it because I just don’t think I deserve to be happy for anything. It’s a weird thing when your brain is the enemy most of the time.