I was working barely part time before quitting but why? Anxiety killed me. The expectation that I should know exactly what and where my life should be at, but the problem is mental illness. It isn’t a crutch when it affects me daily and now has me running scared. I guess after nearly 10 years plus that it’s hard to transitions back to work even for part time but people are disappointed in me including my husband and my mother. What the fuck does she matter in the long run anyways? Apparently I’m not what people should be despite being cursed with mental illness from birth and even if there was a god, I wouldn’t believe in him and the suffering he puts on man. Free will is fucking annoying and just hurtful in the end. I say this because after leaving my job, I found out a good friend via his ex girlfriend says that he has something against people with disorders and that he always talked about me behind my back: always going, “You’re not like Michelle..” and all that bullshit and that angers and saddens me too. I thought of this friend as a best friend of sorts and now that I know this? Probably explains his behavior not to hang with my husband and I. Just full of bullshit honestly.
Why do fake people exist anyhow? I trusted him and while it bothers me, it hurts worse that I am made to be an example of what not to be. He isn’t the first and not the last and that is why I got mad and fought with my husband on the job I had. Anxiety was killing me. I would cry and even said I rather hurt myself than work but not enough to go back to inpatient where I was almost headed.
But still, I am not ready to work anytime soon. As my nurse practitioner put it, “You put too much expectations on yourself and you’re feeling the pressure.” Sounds about right because I have always done what others wanted me to do and while I do things impulsively, I know that I can be better in control. I just hate that I always had to have expectations on myself from birth. It’s not my fault that I am not perfect and that I am merely human. I hate that people forget that I am not neurotypical aka people without disabilities, mentally and physically. My husband occasionally forgets that I have problems and that I have to deal with a lot in my time. Yes, I want to be functional but at my own pace and I will work again but at my level and on my terms. That’s really all I can do is and try to cut down on spending unnecessary money for anything.
New Iphone case