Between Light Houses and Oceans

I was working barely part time before quitting but why? Anxiety killed me. The expectation that I should know exactly what and where my life should be at, but the problem is mental illness. It isn’t a crutch when it affects me daily and now has me running scared. I guess after nearly 10 years plus that it’s hard to transitions back to work even for part time but people are disappointed in me including my husband and my mother. What the fuck does she matter in the long run anyways? Apparently I’m not what people should be despite being cursed with mental illness from birth and even if there was a god, I wouldn’t believe in him and the suffering he puts on man. Free will is fucking annoying and just hurtful in the end. I say this because after leaving my job, I found out a good friend via his ex girlfriend says that he has something against people with disorders and that he always talked about me behind my back: always going, “You’re not like Michelle..” and all that bullshit and that angers and saddens me too. I thought of this friend as a best friend of sorts and now that I know this? Probably explains his behavior not to hang with my husband and I. Just full of bullshit honestly.

Why do fake people exist anyhow? I trusted him and while it bothers me, it hurts worse that I am made to be an example of what not to be. He isn’t the first and not the last and that is why I got mad and fought with my husband on the job I had. Anxiety was killing me. I would cry and even said I rather hurt myself than work but not enough to go back to inpatient where I was almost headed.

But still, I am not ready to work anytime soon. As my nurse practitioner put it, “You put too much expectations on yourself and you’re feeling the pressure.” Sounds about right because I have always done what others wanted me to do and while I do things impulsively, I know that I can be better in control. I just hate that I always had to have expectations on myself from birth. It’s not my fault that I am not perfect and that I am merely human. I hate that people forget that I am not neurotypical aka people without disabilities, mentally and physically. My husband occasionally forgets that I have problems and that I have to deal with a lot in my time. Yes, I want to be functional but at my own pace and I will work again but at my level and on my terms. That’s really all I can do is and try to cut down on spending unnecessary money for anything.

Old photo of me and others. I have the blonde hair

New Iphone case

Posted on July 18th, 2017 in Blog, pictures by Michelle. 6 Comments

Posted on July 20th, 2017, at 4:49 am by Liz.

Hey Michelle, I’m sorry you’re going through this :/ I just wanted to let you know though that no one is perfect. There’s no such thing. We all have flaws and weaknesses.

I’ve learned that everything happens for a reason. There are so many things that have happened in my life and I always wondered why they happened. Looking back, I can see why they happened.

When you get the chance, watch this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrwSvQx3Xqs
“Wonderfully Made” | Ellie Holcomb

Posted on July 20th, 2017, at 10:18 pm by Eirene.

The important thing is that you tried. If you are not ready to work that’s perfectly fine, you didn’t quit because you are lazy. People are quick to judge other people without knowing anything about those other people…

Oh, and as for Marley and the fez, I think only the eleventh Doctor has ever liked a fez. River shot it to get rid of it!
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Posted on July 21st, 2017, at 11:29 am by Amy.

Sorry to hear about this, Michelle! At least you gave it a go, you can’t help it if you’re not well enough to work. Just keep trying to achieve the things you want, that’s the most important thing. And don’t listen to people who give you shit when it doesn’t work out. Take care of yourself first.
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Posted on July 22nd, 2017, at 7:35 am by Kim.

I’m so sorry to hear this Michelle but the important thing to remember is, you tried. I find that people are very quick to judge, don’t listen to them!!

I hope your OK.

Posted on July 23rd, 2017, at 6:21 pm by Cassidy.

I’m sorry that your job stressed you out and I’m sorry that your anxiety is making things hard. Anxiety is really pain in the ass.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by my own expectations I remind this one Chinese proverb that says: “Tension is who you think you should be, relaxation is who you are”.

Don’t feel guilty that you don’t meet others’ expectations of you, always put yourself and your sanity first. Hang in there 💖
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Posted on July 25th, 2017, at 9:47 pm by Hiro.

I think the most important thing is that you don’t give up, and keep on trying. Sounds totally cliche, but it’s true. Just because you weren’t ready for a specific job at the specific time doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be able to do it at another time, or another type of job.

I was getting swallowed by Anxiety and people all around me telling me I’d never be able to work, my disability will keep me from ever becoming independent, and that I’m a liability to society. I started to believe them when they told me I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I didn’t like that, so after I was stable enough in my books, I took the plunge, and left my home. Moved to NYC, and basically flailed around for half a year, looking for a full-time job while tutoring, babysitting, doing whatever it took to scrape a few hundred bucks a month to make ends meet. And I surprised myself. I really did. I didn’t think any of this were possible, and had I given up back in 2014, I think I would be no where close to working now.

Not that you should leave and flail around like I did, but my mentality at the time was, “If I fail, I fail. I’ll just go back home.” Knowing that there was a place for me to go back to, even if I had been unable to work, gave me the cushion I needed to try out new things and poke around to see what I can do. I wasn’t cut out for certain things, I couldn’t get calls back for hundreds of applications I put in, and I got rejected from a handful of places even after interviews, but I set myself a time limit (half a year) to kind of just put myself out there and explore a lot of different types of jobs. I’m really glad I did, because I ended up in a field I’d never would have considered before that.

People are assholes. I’m sorry your “friend” has to be like that. But you know, it’s really on him, not you, that he’s got such a sad and negative outlook on people and life. He has to put someone else down to make himself feel better… That’s just a very sad way to be.

Have you ever considered at-home work, like Virtual Assistant, or Remote Call Center Specialist? (I think the “new hip thing” is being a puppy walker on Rover… I’m so jealous of Puppy Walkers….) Good luck in your journey. 🙂
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