What did I expect in my 28 years of life when my birthday hits on August 8th? What did I want in my life that I couldn’t get when I was 27? Somehow, I understand that my journey is different than others and all that jazz but in the end, it’s what it means to me that matters. 28 is close to 30. Mid point in my life and that’s coming up and what did I do before turning 28? A lot of things like know my limits as a person and figuring out what I have to do with recovery. Recovery is a trick of a word and it means a lot of work on not only on my part but my tools’ part aka medication and therapy. I can’t say for certain where my road to life leads me but it’s something good for sure. I have all the support I need from online and offline friends and I couldn’t be grateful!
28 is a significant number to me and a bigger one since again it’s close to 30 and everyone dreads 30 as an age, but it’s wisdom that goes along with the age even if not many people reach that age in their minds. 30 is just a few years to me now and while I know and am frightened of being 30 since death becomes closer but I will live as best as I can. It’s frightening to think about death but I have a long ways to go and hope that I can experience and love all the same. Sure there have been changes in a lot of my years growing up like moving to three new places together with my husband though at the time we were still dating and finding out that each place save for this time wasn’t good. I had a lot of birthdays pass and each time I fought back the thoughts that I wasn’t going anywhere with my life and that’s true to a lot extent but somehow, I knew that I had to try for my sake and the outcomes haven’t been good but I at least tried working this year and tried functioning but there’s too much that needs to be dealt with like the suspected ADHD that I might have which could explain all the unresolved anxiety in me that pills cannot take away.
Plus even though I did go down in weight, it is an impossibility that I can lose anymore due to medication despite me trying so hard with my diet and exercise. In the end, if it isn’t resolved by 2019, then I’ll go through with having kids at my weight regardless of the consequences. By that time, I might find a better OBGYN and find one that is more sympathetic to me and how I want to start a family but in the end, 28 years is still too short of a life to get anywhere meaningful at least for me since I have encountered many setbacks like my mental illness and my nonfunctioning self. I hope by the end of the year and even nearer to my 29th birthday that I have something accomplished because for now? I have nothing. I may have a wonderful husband but that relationship has been tested brutally and harshly this year and by becoming 28, then I can be a better person for him and myself. Not an easy task to do with everything against me. I wish I had hope in something but it’s difficult to when I am swimming against the current most of the time. Mental illness for most of my life didn’t interfere in my life until after I hit puberty and then, there’s no reason why or silver lining to it. It just happens by a roll of the dice and I ran against genetics which weren’t in my favor.
But I am trying to be more positive about life and myself in general and yet, it’s easy to slip back into the patterns of negativity and sadness. I hope I can conquer or manage it.
I hope I gave my anxieties about turning 28 makes sense and can be related too by many people and that becoming 30 isn’t a death sentence nor is finding yourself in your 20’s. I hope by this new age that I find more wisdom and maturity to deal with my issues that come along.