Lately, I have been mired in bad destructive habits like self harm and while I did do it, I have a lot to work on as a person: my self esteem and self confidence that I need to believe in and stop second guessing myself. But there are times the sky feels cool and the world is quiet along with a mind that dances softly in the breezes, that I feel all right and that I can manage living and maybe being functional, one day. I know that if I have a good feel of what being functional entails, that I can do it and somehow have good two weeks in a row and those are goals that I have; that I can face the world that has stress and hardships and not be deterred by them. We are heavy weights in the lovely dreamscape that we only created from the distortions in our minds but it doesn’t have to be bad at all, it can be good and sometimes they are a little too good to be true. I know goals are the way to the go but never did anyone tell me the difficulty there would be navigating life and the squalls that it offers.
But the week has been good since I took care feeding and taking out the dogs and cats that belong to my neighbor because she went away to spread her mom’s ashes in the ocean. I know the feeling of having a bad relationship with a parental unit aka my mother as my neighbor did with her own mother. It’s always too hard to put in words that despair brings when parents and children don’t get along. I know that I have a very toxic relationship with my mother and while I want to rid of her eventually, I can’t. My husband makes me hang on for the sake if I burn that bridge, there’s no going back and my mother will be lonely and I love her dearly. The conflicts. I had a good week though, I had a good week of no spending money or hurting myself anymore because I can’t keep on doing it because there is consequences to it all and even if I were on all medication and doing therapy more times a week, it doesn’t mean a damn thing if I don’t try and work along the tools I have.
Games were the second thing I did: Finished Persona 3, Persona 4 Golden and am playing Persona 5.