I know I have a problematic relationship with myself and my parents but a lot of that is rooted in my gender. Let me explain: Here’s the expectations of being a female in my family: Dressing nice, having long hair, and being not too outrageous in dress or manner; Sure there are some rowdy elements in my family but for me, the whole ideals of being a girl is up to me. It’s like I have to fulfill it or else femininity be damned. I guess, I hated the fact that a lot of my life was focused on my weight and others pointed it out to me and the fact that a lot of the time, my body wasn’t my own as often I was assaulted by various members of my family on my mother’s side by them slapping my buttocks and making remarks on how big it is. That messed me up and made me lose any self esteem or confidence in myself. I didn’t understand why they forgot that I was a human being with boundaries and yet trample on them. So, they all sexually assaulted me so many times.
I found myself devoid of any thoughts of being female for the longest time and don’t feel like acting or being a man, either. Both disgust me but in the end, when I did cut off my hair into a pixie cut, I was mercilessly ridiculed and made to feel like my identity was in my hair. It’s not. News flash. It’s ridiculous to think that identity lies in something so flexible and that grows back almost instantaneously. I am not my hair. I am not my weight and I am certainly not my gender when it comes to being a human being. I can’t even shave my hair without people pushing traditional gender roles on me including my husband, who probably doesn’t mean it but was indoctrinated by his culture and family situations. I lost my self confidence when I began obsessing over my weight and realizing that I was borderline eating disorder, in fact, that I have a hard time eating then bingeing makes it all the worst. I eat too little or too much. There is never in between here. I don’t bring attention to it too much but I do make comments about food and how eating and my hair are the only thing that I can change about myself.
Still, I hate the thoughts of men harassing me as the weight comes off and the tight and heavy chest I have. I may not want to say my bra size but it’s important here: 42 H and since it’s a big number, it has stopped me from exercising and caused me all sorts of pain in my back and shoulders. It happens sporadically these days but it can hurt big time. I am more than my features and I hate the fact that I have to deal with a heavy chest and deal with its frustrations and that’s why I made a decision regarding it: I wanna get breast reduction surgery. I want to be at a B cup and while I won’t ever breast feed, my happiness comes first here. I am above my status as a daughter, a wife and being such, I am a human being more than anything.