Glass Castles

I know I have a problematic relationship with myself and my parents but a lot of that is rooted in my gender. Let me explain: Here’s the expectations of being a female in my family: Dressing nice, having long hair, and being not too outrageous in dress or manner; Sure there are some rowdy elements in my family but for me, the whole ideals of being a girl is up to me. It’s like I have to fulfill it or else femininity be damned. I guess, I hated the fact that a lot of my life was focused on my weight and others pointed it out to me and the fact that a lot of the time, my body wasn’t my own as often I was assaulted by various members of my family on my mother’s side by them slapping my buttocks and making remarks on how big it is. That messed me up and made me lose any self esteem or confidence in myself. I didn’t understand why they forgot that I was a human being with boundaries and yet trample on them. So, they all sexually assaulted me so many times.

I found myself devoid of any thoughts of being female for the longest time and don’t feel like acting or being a man, either. Both disgust me but in the end, when I did cut off my hair into a pixie cut, I was mercilessly ridiculed and made to feel like my identity was in my hair. It’s not. News flash. It’s ridiculous to think that identity lies in something so flexible and that grows back almost instantaneously. I am not my hair. I am not my weight and I am certainly not my gender when it comes to being a human being. I can’t even shave my hair without people pushing traditional gender roles on me including my husband, who probably doesn’t mean it but was indoctrinated by his culture and family situations. I lost my self confidence when I began obsessing over my weight and realizing that I was borderline eating disorder, in fact, that I have a hard time eating then bingeing makes it all the worst. I eat too little or too much. There is never in between here. I don’t bring attention to it too much but I do make comments about food and how eating and my hair are the only thing that I can change about myself.

Still, I hate the thoughts of men harassing me as the weight comes off and the tight and heavy chest I have. I may not want to say my bra size but it’s important here: 42 H and since it’s a big number, it has stopped me from exercising and caused me all sorts of pain in my back and shoulders. It happens sporadically these days but it can hurt big time. I am more than my features and I hate the fact that I have to deal with a heavy chest and deal with its frustrations and that’s why I made a decision regarding it: I wanna get breast reduction surgery. I want to be at a B cup and while I won’t ever breast feed, my happiness comes first here. I am above my status as a daughter, a wife and being such, I am a human being more than anything.

Regardless the loss of my self confidence, my troubled relationships with people especially my parents grew; And that’s where I am now: Fighting and fighting to maintain functionality in this world while trying to get the bottom layer of why I don’t want to succeed or function again. Next Tuesday, I go back to the workforce commission and try to sort out anything to help me feel a low stress job or some kind of activity and that’s fine, honestly. I know, it’s going to be difficult to work again but I know that it’s possible to do so now because at this moment I don’t have a choice because our finances at home are so tight and I gotta contribute whether I am ready or not. That’s how it has to be and I hate that I can’t be ready for this but the world and life itself doesn’t wait; It keeps going and going and sometimes we gotta be pushed straight into the pool head first. I guess in the end, things will change and I have no way to stop it except take a ride on it and hope for the best. I may not be the best so far but I know that things will get better, maybe not on their own but eventually.

Posted on August 19th, 2017 in Blog, pictures by Michelle. 3 Comments

Posted on August 19th, 2017, at 3:11 pm by Sakura.

Hi! I have nominated you for Liebster Award. The questions are on https://violinstar.net/?p=8715.

Posted on August 20th, 2017, at 5:52 pm by Maroon Caludin.

That’s horrible. Please don’t let what others say hurt you like that! I know its so much easier said then done. Everyone is beautiful, no matter what!

I feel you on the chest though. I’ve always been…more busty and I always hated it. Always wanted to get it reduced. Its a lot of strain on your body with a big chest!

Posted on August 23rd, 2017, at 1:13 am by Jamie.

It’s unfortunate that your family is treating you like that just because of a haircut. Are they extremely old schoolish or do they not know that things and times have definitely changed and are changing? IF they’re not comfortable with your pixie cut, tell them to move on and cry you a river. Still, they should allow you to be who you are, and if you’re still finding yourself, which it seems to me like you could be, then they should allow that freedom. You’re no longer under their roof, yes your husband’s, but he should allow you to let you be who you are.

Anyways, I always see the woe is me part (and please forgive me for saying that) in your blog, but you always manage to surprise me by coming back up on a positive note at the ending. I commend you for that, Michelle.
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