So, I was having a difficult time sleeping because I would be itchy and restless all the same; And it wasn’t until I totally went hysterical one day that I realized that something had to be done so with some courage, I called up my psychiatrist and he immediately pinpointed the problem-My antipsychotic Latuda was causing the problems and his suggestion was to halve it and I did and the results are great and it seems to have done the trick because I am sleeping again with no issues. No restlessness or itching but what I did have has a name: Akathisia which is a movement disorder that compels me to be in motion all the time and that includes feeling like ants crawling all over me which isn’t pleasant. I may be taken off the Latuda entirely but I won’t know until Monday of next week to what my Nurse Practitioner advises. It sucks when I get a pill allergy like that and it’s the first honestly because generally I am not allergic to anything from food to medications but things change, I suppose like my sense of taste when I started taking medication. Irrational thoughts aren’t the best and can drive a person made but honestly I have a lot to stop me from doing things I want and I need to JUST DO IT because no one will do it for me.
I chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo which is a way to clear my head and I’ve talked about my Buddhist ways and knowing that I practice it heavily and am very invested into it:
Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is thus a vow, an expression of determination, to embrace and manifest our Buddha nature. It is a pledge to oneself to never yield to difficulties and to win over one’s suffering. At the same time, it is a vow to help others reveal this law in their own lives and achieve happiness.
But the reason I bring this up is because I have a hard time believing in anything including myself because I have a defeatist attitude and it sucks. I hate feeling that I am stuck and don’t deserve recovery when I do. This is currently a ongoing fight that I am determined to win. I should not expect everyone to do the things for me when in fact I need to JUST DO IT and actually know there is no trying in the world that I am a part of. I need to think outside of the box and actually be happy before running away when I tried to recently. I was so upset at the state of my mental and physical health that I hated it and had no way to remedy it but it can be fixed and it can be managed if I just believe in myself and keep being me and good to myself and others. That’s where it counts that I am good towards myself more than anything when I haven’t be.
Now, I’ve decided to get help and make this costume for Marley for Halloween. I can’t sew so I enlisted the help of my Buddhist friends especially the leader of the Young Women’s Division.
Currently Listening to:
Fantome’s tracks put on repeat:俺の彼女 (Ore no Kanojo, My Girlfriend), 二時間だけのバカンス (Nijikan Dake no Vacance, Two Hour Only Vacation), 真夏の通り雨 (Manatsu no Tōriame, Midsummer Shower) , 花束を君に (Hanataba wo Kimi ni, A Bouquet for You).
Persona 5’s tracks put on repeat: Last Surprise, Wake Up, Get Up, Get Out There, Beneath the Mask -rain, instrumental version- , Hoshi To Bokura To and many others!