The Thrown Stars of Destiny

So, I was having a difficult time sleeping because I would be itchy and restless all the same; And it wasn’t until I totally went hysterical one day that I realized that something had to be done so with some courage, I called up my psychiatrist and he immediately pinpointed the problem-My antipsychotic Latuda was causing the problems and his suggestion was to halve it and I did and the results are great and it seems to have done the trick because I am sleeping again with no issues. No restlessness or itching but what I did have has a name: Akathisia which is a movement disorder that compels me to be in motion all the time and that includes feeling like ants crawling all over me which isn’t pleasant. I may be taken off the Latuda entirely but I won’t know until Monday of next week to what my Nurse Practitioner advises. It sucks when I get a pill allergy like that and it’s the first honestly because generally I am not allergic to anything from food to medications but things change, I suppose like my sense of taste when I started taking medication. Irrational thoughts aren’t the best and can drive a person made but honestly I have a lot to stop me from doing things I want and I need to JUST DO IT because no one will do it for me.

That’s why I need to put in front good karma into the world and keep chanting-as I don’t talk about my own beliefs: I am a Nichiren Buddhist and I follow the teachings of Nichiren Daishonin and it basically means that I chant to bring forth my inner Buddha-my inner goodness and the organization behind it is SGI, which I advise you to search for. They are the biggest Buddhist organizations there is and I’ve met real friends there and just felt amazing in chanting every week but I have to challenge myself to chant and believe in myself. There is no god, there is no ways to reach enlightenment except through yourself and following the goodness of your person. That’s why I feel different from others about bad people because they are the people that could have had enlightenment but chose the evilness, the shadows in their hearts and acted on them but at the end of the day, they are still human beings.

I chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo which is a way to clear my head and I’ve talked about my Buddhist ways and knowing that I practice it heavily and am very invested into it:

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is thus a vow, an expression of determination, to embrace and manifest our Buddha nature. It is a pledge to oneself to never yield to difficulties and to win over one’s suffering. At the same time, it is a vow to help others reveal this law in their own lives and achieve happiness.


But the reason I bring this up is because I have a hard time believing in anything including myself because I have a defeatist attitude and it sucks. I hate feeling that I am stuck and don’t deserve recovery when I do. This is currently a ongoing fight that I am determined to win. I should not expect everyone to do the things for me when in fact I need to JUST DO IT and actually know there is no trying in the world that I am a part of. I need to think outside of the box and actually be happy before running away when I tried to recently. I was so upset at the state of my mental and physical health that I hated it and had no way to remedy it but it can be fixed and it can be managed if I just believe in myself and keep being me and good to myself and others. That’s where it counts that I am good towards myself more than anything when I haven’t be.

Now, I’ve decided to get help and make this costume for Marley for Halloween. I can’t sew so I enlisted the help of my Buddhist friends especially the leader of the Young Women’s Division.

Koromaru from Persona 3
Marley will look so cute with the outfit and wings and I can’t wait to get it done for her because honestly, I got her measurements done and only on Sunday am I going to JoAnn’s, an arts and craft store to get the fabric I need. Let’s hope it’s ready before Halloween and looks amazing! Also I have too many Iphone cases because I am a hoarder and love cases.

Iphone 5/5s cases

Currently Listening to:

Utada Hikaru and Persona 5

Posted on August 25th, 2017 in Blog, pictures by Michelle. 7 Comments

Posted on August 25th, 2017, at 9:29 pm by Maroon Caludin.

Glad your able to sleep! I hate not being able to sleep. I’ve been having trouble myself…I can’t relax at night. Reactions to stuff is horrible. I remember some antibiotic I was on made me break out. Its rare that I get reactions too.

Aw, that costume will be cute!
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Posted on August 26th, 2017, at 3:45 pm by Shanae.

I have terrible sleep patterns honestly, which is terrible because I’m trying to lose some extra lbs.
I’m glad you’re finding sleep patterns that work for you though. Its important to get rest.
I haven’t studied much on the Buddhist religion, but what I have is actually really fascinating.

I also love your blog posts because sooo
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Posted on August 26th, 2017, at 3:57 pm by Sakura.

Wow you do have many iphone cases! Those Hello Kitty ones are really cute! How often do you change your cases?

I hope you are feeling better soon. Listening to music helps too. I recommend some Korean music like the ones by Akdong Musician as it has a lively and upbeat/happy tune to it. 🙂

Posted on August 26th, 2017, at 4:52 pm by Deanna.

Wow, you have a lot of phone cases! I think I have two, but have only ever used one of them haha.

Posted on August 27th, 2017, at 1:32 pm by Delphine.

That’s great that you’re able to find sleep again! Good sleep is something to be treasured, especially asyou grow older ;u;

I can’t wait to see the Koromaru outfit, it’s such a cute idea! You remind me that I still haven’t bought P5 asdfgsdfg; at this rate, maybe I should wait for a sale or buy it second hand… I really love Shoji Meguro’s work, Persona soundtracks are my fav video game soundtracks because a lot of songs are very catchy!
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Posted on August 29th, 2017, at 11:47 am by Amy.

Glad you can sleep again. That can’t have been nice to deal with, but it’s great that they sorted it quickly.

Good luck with the costume for Marley. That’s such a cool idea. I’m sure it’ll look amazing!

I love your phone cases, especially the Hello Kitty ones!

Posted on August 31st, 2017, at 2:08 pm by Hiro.

I was having some sleep issues for a few days… I’m assuming it’s because of the meds too. Lol.
The self-empowerment and self-determination part of life is so important. I think a lot of people don’t quite appreciate what powers telling yourself YOU CAN and YOU WILL can do to achieve whatever goals there are. That and ability to accept baby steps (and minor set backs) as progress. If nothing else, even if there’s a set back, you are fully stable in the fact that you are attempting to make things better. As they say- you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help himself. I’m always in that journey, and hope you’ll find baby steps to help you reach whatever goals you have, too 🙂
There’s nothing much we can do about the cards we’re dealt with, but we 100% have control over how we react to them and grow from them!
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