Song: No, I Don’t Remember
By: Anna Ternheim
“No, I don’t remember what brought us to this
What places we blindly passed, what turns we missed
When things really mattered and we really cared
When simply being was easy, just having you there
I’ve done bad things like lying and going behind my husband’s back, time and time again and I wonder if I am testing his love and devotion to me and that it might rip. I can’t stop self sabotaging myself in my relationship with him and while I do love him dearly, I end up upsetting and antagonizing him, and I don’t mean to. I don’t consciously want to end up alone but it might happen if I continue to test the waters. I am better than this. It’s just easier for him to be there despite my selfishness. What is wrong with me?
I was on a down slide, wasting my days
When I met you I came to such a lovely place
We laughed and cried our way through
The days and nights, the weeks and months
And all the seasons, ups and downs
Without him, I have barely any meaning: love has lifted me up and while there is some value in myself, I know that love has pushed me forward to be a better person but sometimes I think of myself, and while it’s never easy to think as a pair, I have to do it. We’ve dated since 2009 until our marriage in 2013, so I had time to get to know him and that’s why I fell in love with him. He brought out the best in me and I, in him. He’s done things out of his comfort zone and all for me. He’s done everything for me and I have too, it’s a good relationship and while there were times of despair, hope came out finally. I’ve dealt with my mental illness throughout my life and even more when I hit 20 as it only intensified, so there have been times that we were tested by thick and thin, through my hospitalization in 2014, and my self harming behaviors recently and then. He’s stuck by me and devoted his time and love to me, and while I had my own issues of self esteem and low confidence in dealing with, he was always cheering me on. Always, there and never faltered. I used to think people were so fickle but in the end, sometimes they aren’t and there are those rare occasions that you find someone that has your back entirely. I’ve always felt like that with my husband, Jose, and now, with our money problems, then and now, we always make it through together. I have a lot of issues now but with my husband, I strive to take care of them and manage, all because he counts on me, too. Hell, he opened my mind up to marriage when I didn’t believe it and while we did get married in a church, despite me being Buddhist, I accepted it because it meant something to him. Sure, there are days, we are at each other’s throats but we never fail to make up and become stronger because of it, and that’s the beauty of love.
Remind me of how I used to feel
Remind me of who I used to be back when
Nothing could come between us then
That thought would never leave us
I thought I found love with my ex, but in the end, I’ve felt more and more like myself with Jose, and I know despite the bad things that I’ve done and said, nothing ever really came between us. He reminds me of the sweet and soft kindness that I had once upon a time and not this jaded cynical outlook on life. He brought back the color in my world and helped me land among the stars when I failed to reach the moon. It’s never left us entirely that we could always assemble the pieces back together. We could because love was flexible that way and grandiose too.
‘Cause I don’t remember, love needles in the hay
The life I knew by heart and lived everyday
The secret codes and signs, you and I, eye to eye
Wake me up, hurt me, you have to
I forgot how to cry…”
Sometimes love hurts and sometimes I have to be reminded of why I love in the first place: hurt. I had to hurt in other to process feelings from me to him, and vice versa, but sometimes I am too dense so, I have to hurt to understand how it feels when I do the same to him. While, I have trouble expressing the right emotion on my face, I do feel it deeply in my heart, it is just saying it is difficult and I don’t show it by doing those terrible things and bringing us to ruin financially. I thought I could blame my mental illness or my mentality on money, but it’s more than that and something I can’t quite pinpoint but I do know, I can’t keep doing it and so, I have to change because my actions hurt not only him, me, but Marley, too. Sometimes, I have to remember how to cry and to feel something important and that’s what he teaches me in the end: to feel and in turn it becomes love and with love, it’s easier to make it through the world, so, I have to transform myself and do better from now on because patience does wear thin and I could lose the best thing in my life, which I don’t want to, so I have to shape up and be better with money and realize the things that mean a lot to me, like him.