It started this morning and honestly, I wasn’t expecting because it came out of left field but honestly, I woke up to this message on Facebook messenger.
So, with that message, I angrily wrote her through her domain and told her that I don’t have time to play her mind games and that it really bugged me that she had to let her paranoia get the best of her. I was very angry and maybe I shouldn’t have said some things, but she was abusing me again. She was the abuser in the relationship and I was the victim and kept going back, believing it would be different. I was gas lighted the entire time and like the abused, and like how my own mother went through domestic abuse. I know how she feels towards me, that she thinks I’m making up mental illness for attention (I’m not because I was approached by my aunt, whom had the same symptoms as me in 2007 and even work suffered and eventually, I was kicked out for a manic episode.)
It really hurt for her to say these things and while I tried to defend her multiple times, I ended up looking like her lackey , which I was in the end. I didn’t have the courage to leave and to stop the behavior and like my mother, I let her walk all over me. I’m sorry that I hurt so many people in the process of learning that they were right. I apologized to those people because at least, I wanted to make amends.
She then tried to smear my name to other people and tried to start more drama, because I told everyone that she was a bad friend and posted up screenshots of what she said to me. I had the right because, it was terrible abuse and honestly, I’ve never been angrier at my own bad judgement of people’s character. I’m glad they stayed out of it, in the end. I know better and in the end, I learned a great big lesson: that I should listen to my friends or people and appreciate them more and to know the signs of an abusive relationship.
She called me names and yet, tried to victim blame me when she wrote me that message when I was sleeping but in the end, I blocked her from my domains and Facebook and I don’t intend to look back and like my mother; I am finally free to live my life away from toxic people. I pity her, honestly and will chant and continue to wish good things for her, but she was too cruel and not a good person in the end as she thought. All through my life, I let others manipulate me and never said “No” to things I didn’t want to do and now I am learning to be more assertive and stronger in my confidence even if I have a long way to go.
I wish her the best because that’s what my philosophy of Nichiren Buddhism is: to get rid of the negative energy and take in the positive and also for my mental health, too.
I will chant for her and so, I don’t have any regrets. I’m not saying “woe is me” but saying, that I had to learn the hard way of being warned about someone. I will listen to people better in the future and identify red flags in a relationship and handle it better.