2018 was a year I can’t forget…
Why do I say that? I say that in part because it was a year of pain, anguish and even much so recognition of growth, of maturity that often doesn’t come up very much and if I summed up 2018?I don’t know.
I fought against the very demons in me
The context is that I began yo yo in moods and I couldn’t stop the weeks of good the bad and I began wrecking myself with self harm. It affected my relationship harshly with my husband plus my spending was out of control. It was the very thing that nearly destroyed my marriage last year. After neurological testing was done, as I still await the results, it made me see life in a different way and how I needed to fix what was wrong and actually motivate myself this year (2019) becoming functional in the end. The self harm injury healed and so did my soul from it. Was it worth it? Nope, not at all. Not at all when it harms not only myself but others especially my husband. It wasn’t quite correct in believing that it was okay from the start despite my relapse, I was still treated as a person that deserved care and love, to me that’s the sort of community and support I needed greatly.
Worked a bit but it turned out to be a total disaster with on job harassment and a management not willing to do more though it showed that I could and can hold down a job. I can do what is possible if I just try. If I just try.
Taking control again
Lost. Gained. Lost. Gained. weight like crazy ranging from the lowest to 210 to the highest in a long time 230 lbs but I’m happy to say I’ve lost that 10 lbs putting me at 220 and while that’s not healthy in the slightest, it is a step because I stopped drinking soda and consuming sweets which were the hardest part of the whole transition; Without caffeine and sugar, I am doing super now. No more sleep deprivation, more energy and sleeping quite well now. No mood changes because caffeine can do that to you especially when dealing with mental illness and such;
Changed myself for the better
Changed my appearance from my hair to my new glasses which are complete love and ended up becoming into my own and just awarded the opportunity to do so because I was guided and supported.
Made friends. Lost them. Made friends and found out who’s true and not which I am grateful even if perplexed that a lot of it was very difficult in the end, but it’s worth it. All good things are worth it.
Besides the usual losing weight, it’s mostly focusing on myself and repairing my marriage e.g regaining my husband’s trust and being functional then petting all the doggos I see or can pet. PET THEM.