Life In Song: Brother by Gerard Way

Posted on September 17th, 2015 in Uncategorized, Writings by Michelle. 6 Comments

 

 

 

“Does anyone have the time to bring me down?
And can I sleep all night long to the drums of the city rain?
Just make it up
‘Cause I’m awake all night long to the drums of the city rain

Lately, it’s just has been a roller coaster of emotions for me, and I mean that in a good way. I’m really doing good, and trying my hard to function as best as I can. It’s a slow and steady process, but I know I can’t do it too fast. Maybe bring me down a notch and let me see my progress, because I’m doing what I can. It’s not about a small change, but a lifestyle transformation and what I have to do. I feel these days, I could sleep and sleep, and still be up later pondering about the future. It’s never too hard, and never too long that I am becoming what life and maturity tended me to be. I still have to be careful because it has been getting better outside, and inside, I’m changing my heart. Something that I meant to change further on. My head is carefully coming closer to what it should be too, though I know that I’m no longer awake at night worrying.

And brother if you have the chance to pick me up?
And can I sleep on your couch to the pound of the ache and pain?
Oh, in my head ’cause I’m awake all night long to the drums of the city rain

The pain and aching had been real in me for so long, but in my head, everyone has picked me up from what I hated and feared most. It’s unimaginable that I have changed in such a short time. I admit that some pain and ache does reside in me, but it’s slowly fading as time takes it away. Everyone has helped me in some form or another and that’s fine for me, as I’m ready to take the next steps to be me again. I think I was pessimistic and thought I couldn’t claim myself anymore, but it’s further from the truth. I can be me again despite having to take pills for the rest of my life.

The lights we chase
The nights we steal
The things that we take
To make us feel this

We chase things that aren’t beneficial to us and we go towards things that mean nothing to us, only because we were “bored” or worse “had nothing to do”. We need distractions to change our minds around and to fix what’s wrong in us. We steal too many nights without living in them, and we take what we don’t need anymore. I certainly felt like that, that I wasn’t really living. That I was merely existing, coasting from one passage of time to another, but it doesn’t have to be that way any longer. I guess I felt that feelings are ephemeral and eventually do pass, but it’s hard to wait it all out, and I certainly fell in this pitfall. Patience is a virtue that I struggled to learn and struggled to understand more than myself. Good things come to those that wait. It has some truth, and then sometimes we have to grab them forcefully with our whole being. We don’t need to keep stealing and chasing what’s in front of us.

I can’t go back
Don’t think I will
I won’t sleep tonight as long as I still
Hear the drums of the city rain…”

I won’t go back to victimization of myself, and I can’t sleep again when knowing that I have so much ahead, and I won’t sleep again on the job. I’ve been on zombie mode too much, never really living, and never really comprehending what really life can be for myself. Sure, school gets me out of my rut, but it takes more than distractions to get up, but rather a whole lot of hands grabbing me. I want my life to mean something, to be full of life, and be grateful for everything that’s happening and then what is not. I’ll no longer have to chase after a fantasy or a lie that I continually thought of for myself.  The nights don’t feel so long after all, they are just the day without sunlight but not without living, not without light. I guess that’s what I am getting at, that it’s not worthless if the day turns to night and you’re still working on yourself, that you deserve any and all help from anyone that cares. I hear the rain these days, hear the cooling wind in my ears.

sketchcollege

Life in Song: Tonight Tonight by The SP

Posted on August 28th, 2015 in Uncategorized, Writings by Michelle. 9 Comments

Here’s the second, Life in Song

Tonight Tonight by The Smashing Pumpkins

 

 

 

“Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
I’ve been thinking about my age and the fact that so much is getting older by time going on and on. You certainly do lose a piece of yourself to time and I’m seeing that now. I’ve gotten older: 26, and while people do argue with me saying that I am still young, I still feel the ravages of time on me and my line of thinking sometimes. Also, Marley will b e 1 this November and this saddens me. I feel like time isn’t being honest with me anymore, that it’s playing with me and that I’m forgetting so much about myself. I guess time does eventually claim so much more than we realize. It really does take a lot out of us.

And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Did time change us? I know eventually it changed me, it has changed my thinking and I’m happier because of it. I can’t explain it anymore, but I do know that I change, the more I feel like I don’t know anything in my life, but that’s okay. I think going with the flow is fine. I’m feeling better mentally and emotionally these days. I guess my attitude has changed.

Believe, believe in me, believe, believe
That life can change that you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different
I guess the hardest thing for me to accept is that I can’t forever be stuck, that I have some kind of different aura around me than most people. We all do. I guess what I learnt is that even if we continue to be stuck, it’s not because we are failures, it is because we keep growing in that moment and that we become something better. It isn’t in vain, none of it is, it’s just us reaching a point of understanding, really. I guess the hardest thing is to accept that I can pull myself out and keep going. That’s what recovery is. It’s no straight line for sure. I am proud to say that I’m self harm feel for a few months and that I’m happier in my mindset.

Tonight, tonight, tonight
So bright
Tonight, tonight…”
It’s better to change now, then wait, isn’t it? Somehow, I’m better and I know the future is some kind of open door for me, and even if it closes, I know I can open it again. Isn’t that right? The future is really bright and yet, I know that I can change even for the night, even if it is that forever memory.

michelle