you have been waiting long enough.
you’re done with all the talk talk talk with nothing on the table.
it’s time to come on out.
there will be no sign from above.
you’ll only hear the knock knock knock of your own heart as signal.
I guess I get tired of not living life I should, this depression is really weighing me down so bad…I guess I look above and think something will happen, as I’m not a particular religious, per say, but I still believe in something, but maybe my heart is trying to tell me things that I refuse to believe? I guess I’ve been stuck in some many ruts that I forgot to be happy for once, to smile for a change. I’m always so serious, and always lacking in things I should be doing. I should be enjoying life, shouldn’t I? I’m not. I’m wasting them wallowing in my self pity and letting things get to me. I shouldn’t do that, I shouldn’t let people’s opinions get to me and hold me down. I’m tired of letting words get to me and hurt me like they have. Words shouldn’t have that power, unless I let them.
“Does anyone have the time to bring me down?
And can I sleep all night long to the drums of the city rain?
Just make it up
‘Cause I’m awake all night long to the drums of the city rain
Lately, it’s just has been a roller coaster of emotions for me, and I mean that in a good way. I’m really doing good, and trying my hard to function as best as I can. It’s a slow and steady process, but I know I can’t do it too fast. Maybe bring me down a notch and let me see my progress, because I’m doing what I can. It’s not about a small change, but a lifestyle transformation and what I have to do. I feel these days, I could sleep and sleep, and still be up later pondering about the future. It’s never too hard, and never too long that I am becoming what life and maturity tended me to be. I still have to be careful because it has been getting better outside, and inside, I’m changing my heart. Something that I meant to change further on. My head is carefully coming closer to what it should be too, though I know that I’m no longer awake at night worrying.
And brother if you have the chance to pick me up?
And can I sleep on your couch to the pound of the ache and pain?
Oh, in my head ’cause I’m awake all night long to the drums of the city rain
The pain and aching had been real in me for so long, but in my head, everyone has picked me up from what I hated and feared most. It’s unimaginable that I have changed in such a short time. I admit that some pain and ache does reside in me, but it’s slowly fading as time takes it away. Everyone has helped me in some form or another and that’s fine for me, as I’m ready to take the next steps to be me again. I think I was pessimistic and thought I couldn’t claim myself anymore, but it’s further from the truth. I can be me again despite having to take pills for the rest of my life.
The lights we chase
The nights we steal
The things that we take
To make us feel this
We chase things that aren’t beneficial to us and we go towards things that mean nothing to us, only because we were “bored” or worse “had nothing to do”. We need distractions to change our minds around and to fix what’s wrong in us. We steal too many nights without living in them, and we take what we don’t need anymore. I certainly felt like that, that I wasn’t really living. That I was merely existing, coasting from one passage of time to another, but it doesn’t have to be that way any longer. I guess I felt that feelings are ephemeral and eventually do pass, but it’s hard to wait it all out, and I certainly fell in this pitfall. Patience is a virtue that I struggled to learn and struggled to understand more than myself. Good things come to those that wait. It has some truth, and then sometimes we have to grab them forcefully with our whole being. We don’t need to keep stealing and chasing what’s in front of us.
I can’t go back
Don’t think I will
I won’t sleep tonight as long as I still
Hear the drums of the city rain…”
I won’t go back to victimization of myself, and I can’t sleep again when knowing that I have so much ahead, and I won’t sleep again on the job. I’ve been on zombie mode too much, never really living, and never really comprehending what really life can be for myself. Sure, school gets me out of my rut, but it takes more than distractions to get up, but rather a whole lot of hands grabbing me. I want my life to mean something, to be full of life, and be grateful for everything that’s happening and then what is not. I’ll no longer have to chase after a fantasy or a lie that I continually thought of for myself. The nights don’t feel so long after all, they are just the day without sunlight but not without living, not without light. I guess that’s what I am getting at, that it’s not worthless if the day turns to night and you’re still working on yourself, that you deserve any and all help from anyone that cares. I hear the rain these days, hear the cooling wind in my ears.