Crown Falls Down

It’s exhausting to be me. It’s exhausting and it’s even worst when misunderstandings happen and whatever you’ve ever said in confidence is used against you and you can’t enjoy your instrest anymore; because that happened to me and honestly? It’s hard to get over that hurt but I’m trying so hard but a lot it is triggering…I just hate turning the other cheek for these things for people getting way for hurting me, but in the end, I can only lash out and make them feel like I do, but does it solve anything? I dunno. I just am tired of being hurt by people.

To move on to more interesting and less depressing things– March 9th was mine and Jose’s 10th wedding anniversity, and we both took a week off to enjoy each other’s company and surprisingly, we didn’t fight whatsoever and usually it’s my fault or a misunderstanding that happens that makes conflict happens– enjoy some pictures of one of our days out~

To be fair, misunderstandings happen and because of how I am and how I can’t understand social interactions online and off thus gaining people that don’t like me, and it’s frustrating that a lot of people villanize me for being me. I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of existing for the world to keep hurting me because I have problems that aren’t my fault and because of my trauma and why I have to keep fixing what I didn’t break.

It’s a balancing act a lot of the time..I hope I get it right or at least balanced.

Who knows how these things happen? How I keep making mistakes in all of this? How I can’t understand people in general when they refuse to truly communicate how they truly feel…and being gaslit to feel like I’m going “off the rails” because I say I’m hurt and everything being taken out of context to fit into that narrative and finding things that weren’t there by my actions–Popularity for the sake of a skill is very dangerous as evident by me and the whole cyberbullying fiasco and the fact that I don’t know how to handle it all and misunderstand on my part that people don’t truly want to be accountable towards their actions and they could simply ignore me. I made mistakes but the end, nothing was malicious, as I’ve seen that people would rather have a monopoly on these insignificant things in life on a current broken social media (Twitter). 

In the end, they can have it. My peace of mind is more important than anything and with an outsider seeing all this–I’m not in the wrong and just misunderstood in all of this; though to rid myself of toxic people–I did, and a whole community that has nothing more than time to write about fictional minors in very risque, even adult ways is just gross and I was part of that community too. You can’t and I won’t allow myself to be gaslit when I clearly had grievances about my treatment and it was swept under the rug. In the end, it is what it is and I’m freed from my job, what I consider toxic and finally finding my worth as they can’t protect me from harassment and stalking.

(Just a rehash of what I was speaking about on my instagram..)

So, I’ve been trying to find a better job, with many applications being sent out and getting some interviews and some rejections, but I realize that I do deserve better. I deserve better because I am a person deserving of it. Everyone truly is and with that, I’m always hopeful knowing that I don’t have to bother with things that make me unhappy or relationships in general that aren’t beneficial to me.

If you truly don’t matter then it’s time to get away from all of that and I had to do so with my friend, ex friend now because of how many issues that they have that they didn’t recognized nor attempting to rectify it; as they are quite young and are naive about the world; even still, this is just how I understand and see the world, and while, I can’t understand or make situations worse, it isn’t malicious nor intentional as it’s just me not understanding how things or people work in general.