Dream Of The Butterflies Goes South

Posted on October 24th, 2017 in Blog, pictures by Michelle. 3 Comments

So, sorry for the longest absence for this blog…you see a lot of things were happening in just a span of weeks or even longer(like nearly 2 months) and it has been causing so many health issues. Remember when I mentioned that my jaw was paining me and I thought it was mumps? It wasn’t. I have TMJ:

 

  • The temporomandibular joint is the joint that connects your jaw to your skull. When this joint is injured or damaged, it can lead to a localized pain disorder called temporomandibular joint (TMJ) syndrome.

    Source

It can happen for a lot of reasons: misalignment of the jaw or the teeth not lining up and so what does that mean for me? My TMJ was so bad that I couldn’t speak for a week and also the pain waxes and wanes like the moon, which sucks bad time and pain in the jaw is fucking excruciating. Never want that kind of pain because honestly, it stops you from doing everything and thus, I have lost a bit of weight because with the pain comes the not eating much. Talking, chewing, drinking or anything else that makes my jaw open up will make it worse and now that I saw my ENT about it and he referred me to a TMJ specialist which was a dentist and today they did the consultation which was free. The rest? It was 844 dollars and the office was out of network so we had to apply for a credit card called Credit Care and charge the card for that amount but luckily there is no interest unless we don’t pay back in 12-24 months which is great and many places take it.

The 844 dollars covers the TMJ splint that will go in my mouth and also other visits I need.

The TMJ splint on the upper teeth
What is a TMJ splint? Glad you want to know. My teeth are imprinted on plastic and then where ever the pain is coming from (upper or lower) I wear the splint but I don’t know how long so it’s up in the air for me; But for now until this Thursday I wear this neat little but annoying thing until I get imprinted and that will take an hour. Jeeze

Forgot the name of it…but this is temporary until Thursday
Still, it sucks and just adds already to my bad luck as a person but one more thing to say: I get that people that think my blog is “woe is me” when it isn’t in fact nor meant to take it that way. In fact, I just talk about my problems because no one wants to talk about them openly and this stops the stigma. But believe me, it is never easy to share when I have to go against preconceived notions about what I suffer from and ignorant responses. I mean, that is what I expected and yet, I was surpised because this wasn’t what this blog was for: I wanted to inform and hopefully reach out to people and many have reached out to me, not just on my blog but my social media accounts. I mean it is annoying to talk about it but it affects my life and it has for the entirety of it and I can’t ignore that core concept of myself. I can’t ignore what I go through and if that makes you uncomfortable-stop reading and know that I do the best of my abilities to describe my symptoms of what I suffer from and hopefully educate some people, still the truth hurts. Still while, I made up with my friend (thankfully!), her words resonated with me and I just wanted to let everyone of my readers know that I never intend to stop talking about what affects me daily. I will never stop but know that I will take breaks and talk about silly things and I try my hardest, but allow me to explain that I am not looking for sympathy but awareness to see others in a different light.

I want others to be kind to each other and know that we all have hidden battles that we all don’t know about-for each and everyone of ourselves. Remember be kind.

I lost 7 lbs and am down to 214.6 which I am grateful but this isn’t the way I want it to be done-I have been barely eating because it is just painful and sometimes just skip meals because eating to me, personally seems too much for me at times. The thoughts of eating frightens me.

Though, this Halloween, my husband’s and I’s annual Halloween party is canceled because of finances and because no one really shows up because I guess we don’t have friends? Yeah, they pretty much hate me or don’t bother to connect. It hurts when I am also their friends too but even worse because I believed in them and took them as they were and now, they hate me or worse tolerate me. I got so much ire from my husband’s best friends’ friends that I had to block some because they never liked any of my comments despite my SJW attitude. Yes, I am one because it just makes sense but I don’t intend to attack people because I still wanna assess the situation as best as I can. I wanna go in there with a clear head but not always as I am only human as the cliched goes. I make the biggest mistakes and tend to be selfish like my mother which I hate to admit.

It takes a lot for me to say that I might be like my mother as I use her techniques as a coping skill to use people and I hate how I rely on it so much. It is mind boggling to say the least and I hate being thought as my mother whom, has not paid the remaining cell phone bill and shut out of my life a few months ago. I miss the relationships I could have had with my parents and know taht I am alone because my in laws don’t accept me except my father in law and I had to explain myself to my brother in law but it is okay, they leave me out with them all talking Spanish which I don’t know. I hate being left out but that’s how it is.

I was worried about the costs of medical procedures as my insurance (despite being the best and most expensive) wouldn’t cover that much unless we met our deductible but a best friend of my husband’s stepped up and said he’d help out if needed. Kind offer but my pride won’t let me accept it as I hate “owing” to anyone even if they insist on us not to pay back, though I certainly feel like I don’t matter enough to be helped in that manner so that type of kindness baffles me greatly. I guess it is nice, but I am not used to this happiness or compassion from anyone but it’s nice to have a real friend. He really loves us a lot and we love him in return. It’s nice to have great friends when you find them.

What I really want to say is: Anything is possible with people because they are so unpredictable and complicated that you don’t know where you will fall: for instance I thought my friendship was over with someone I knew for awhile, but we stayed together and apologized to each other and am so happier for it. I hate leaving relationships on bad notes because I definitely know what it feels to have regret and it is the worst out of anything because you crave that second chance to fix everything that went wrong, and now that everything is better, it eases me greatly.

Sometimes people surprise you in a good way. Sometimes you need to trust them,too.

 


Posted on October 27th, 2017, at 5:49 PM by Claudine.

I’m sorry about your TMJ 🙁 I’ve never experienced it but my friends who did said that it hurts really bad, so I hope the pain goes away soon!

I think blogging about your experience with mental illness really helps to raise awareness in many people, including me! To be honest, before I started reading your blog, I never really knew anybody with mental illness and didn’t know how to deal with or interact with somebody who was experiencing these things. I admit that I will never fully understand what they are going through, but knowing about your experiences has helped me become more sensitive to their needs. So I don’t think that your blog is not simply about you complaining about things or problems, it serves as your release and as your way of informing others about mental illness as well.
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Posted on October 29th, 2017, at 10:31 AM by Veron.

Awww. I’m sorry about the illness, I’ve just heard of it now. Glad that you have a real friend in your life and you also made up with another one. Life is better with friends but sometimes, real ones are so hard to find. You can’t even distinguish between real ones and fake ones until something bad happens and you need their help. Most friends really just talk behind your back, pretend to be happy when you achieve something yet also can’t wait for you to fail.
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Posted on October 29th, 2017, at 6:30 PM by Maroon Caludin.

Oh dear…well I hope your jaw will be better soon. Sounds awful!
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