Frog Prince

UPDATES

It’s been a long while since my last update, hasn’t it? Either way, I’m semi back and semi alive, I suppose, though to be honest, I don’t know anymore especially with my mental health being as bad as it ever has along with dealing with some stupid bullshit at work; work that has me clashing a bit of what a manager, well a certain manager wants of me and how, he basically uprooted me from my position at self checkout  back to normal cashier, which I fear might help lose my hours and my full time status that I’m trying desperately to obtain. It sucks because a lot of things happened and to be frank, my life is more important than people stealing when the company, whom I work for, is so dramatic by the way that this manager approached me— shrilling out stupid bullshit stuff about them as a store not making money off the products—and somehow I let them all down despite the first incident happening back in October of last year.

October and I was blamed for this second one,which had never happened for as long as I was a self checkout attendant. I mean, my store’s parent company is supposedly being bought out with another one, though to be fair, it’s a monopoly. Monopoly which will mean increased prices and poorer management from above.

The parent company is Albertsons; and the other company is Kroger, because surprise, that’s just how it all is…either way, my mental health is still pretty terrible and since my surgery which was over a year ago, I’ve been trying desperately to find or use new medications for my mental illnesses to cease fighting me and/or calm them down so I can return to therapy…If I can…if I want.  If I can…

Then before Christmas, I got the greatest gift of them all- COVID

Ended up taking Paxloid which gave me metallic mouth but it helped alleviate all of the symptoms even if they were mild as I had got the boosters and the first and second vaccine…I was lucky though it was my husband that gave me it and he suffered worse than I which was odd…Eventually, around the 20th of December, we were both Covid free, so I returned to work and so did he, which was great and helped relieve the cabin fever that I have been having…

Then Christmas rolled around and nothing happened though, it didn’t snow until much later in Feb (Where I am at now), though to be honest? January was the hardest with it being my cousin’s birthday, well belated birthday since she passed in 2017; So with that in mind, we visited– family and I, visited her grave and just made it just as a beautiful and how she would have liked it when she was alive.

Not gonna lie, but what is there after life? What’s there in death? I ask that because I struggled for most of my 33 year life with mental illness caused by trauma, and for a long time, and by people’s actions and my own confused ones (Lack of understanding of boundaries, weird thinking, lack of societal rules which makes me think I’m a high functioning autistic, or my BPD is very unique) and honestly? I’m tired of living. Tired of existing.  Tired of this trauma that I’m attempting to fix, but it’s childish to put myself back together or rather it’s not my fault, so why do it? I’m tired but why does it matter? What is there in that afterlife, if there’s one? Regardless, it’s been a tough start of the year, because I mentioned that fallout from my online friend group back in earlyish October, well they struck back, well the admin of that group basically tried to cancel me. The thing is? They can’t say what I haven’t told myself a million years, that I am difficult, neurotic, share too much, don’t understand boundaries and wonder why no one tells me in private/dms/pms if I hurt them. Why can’t we communicate these things? Why must it always happen with me? I just want a friendship that I cherish with all my heart, but, it won’t happen…because people are a continual disappointment, and I’ve made no real friends in a long time and people at work tolerate me; not to mention I lost my job position at self checkout because I was unwilling to go after someone that was stealing, because I was busy and apparently got written up (first time since my working career at age 16! I’m 33 now) because I was too good at my job? Really, it was because I prize my worthless life over alcohol (which was being stolen) oh well, it’s now..

So, with the cancellation of myself in December with everything ever said….why does everyone have to be so vindictive? When I was exactly unintentionally hurting others and somehow, no one told me? Why they have the power and vitriol to hold that rage against me? I’m scared easily. I cry too much. My obliviousness is always taken for carelessness or worse callousness. The thing that annoyed me greatly and hurt is that someone could be so…evil like that. How can anyone hold onto a grudge like that? Accidentally talking over someone hurt someone’s feelings when I tried apologizing? It doesn’t matter what I say or do, it hurts them and hurts me in the end too. And this is coming from the same group of friends that I broke up with in October. Apparently, there are rules that everyone knows but me? I don’t understand. I won’t lie and say I understand people and what their words mean. I’m not here to decipher or second guess what or how someone is feelin and nothing I ever do is out of maliciousness even if it does hurt people. I know the intentions doesn’t matter because it still hurts others; It’s like I’ve been living so much more in a world I can’t fathom in, if that makes sense. I just don’t understand. Je ne sais pas.

Regardless, I’ll try to update more frequently….