Apparently, after my bacterial upper respiratory infection, I contracted Mumps or Parotitis and it’s funny because there is a vaccine for it the, MMR Vaccine and while my parents did get my vaccinated for several things that I once saw but I don’t remember if they even did that particular vaccine. This is what happens when you don’t vaccinate your fucking kids, people like me who were born in the late 80’s have to deal with no protection and knowing my mother was only 17 when she had me…makes me wonder if my parents got me the vaccine which vexes me because I lost my shot records a long time ago. My parents freaked out especially my mom when I had febrile fevers (basically when your fever becomes so high that you have seizures) and I had them constantly growing up; And I remember one night after returning from the hospital and eating at Denny’s.
But lately, I fought with my husband on the fact that I have impulse and patience problems; I am also so impatient and do things out of impulse and it came to a head because I have the bad habit of killing electronics or making them useless unless fixed and that annoyed him greatly but it underlined the bigger issue of how he was treating him. To me, I felt like he gave me no respect and that I was trying to tell him that not everything was done out of purpose and that I am trying not to be impulsive and hold back the desires to not hurt anyone including him. I sobbed so hard from holding in the pain from being sick, and having my mental illness that it was difficult functioning and highlighting the fact that I have problems and am trying so hard to be good but I acknowledged that I am scared of losing him because I fuck up too much or I hurt him. I am always disappointed in myself for my actions and honestly, while I was inpatient in my youth, never had the impulsive drive that I do now…still, it hurt and I sobbed and sobbed, because once I start, it is difficult to stop. I cried about not wanting to bother being alive or how I was never wanted and thus I had no choice but to live in a world, I didn’t want to be in. Just a lot of pain that I hold back from day to day to be strong for myself and others.
Then, I was told today by the SSI (Social Security Income) office that a decision was made on my case and wouldn’t know until next week in the mail that if I got it or not, but I always can appeal it if needed, so there’s that. I am hoping that I got it…I am hoping because I have problems working in general.
Not all is lost now, because a lot can be corrected and I can once again go back on the path of recovery. I can be myself through it all and keep doing better everyday and challenge myself more. Challenge the hardships that I face.