I Am A Magical Girl

Apparently, after my bacterial upper respiratory infection, I contracted Mumps or Parotitis and it’s funny because there is a vaccine for it the, MMR Vaccine and while my parents did get my vaccinated for several things that I once saw but I don’t remember if they even did that particular vaccine. This is what happens when you don’t vaccinate your fucking kids, people like me who were born in the late 80’s have to deal with no protection and knowing my mother was only 17 when she had me…makes me wonder if my parents got me the vaccine which vexes me because I lost my shot records a long time ago. My parents freaked out especially my mom when I had febrile fevers (basically when your fever becomes so high that you have seizures) and I had them constantly growing up; And I remember one night after returning from the hospital and eating at Denny’s.

The medication, my antibiotics
My new light up Cat eared Head phones
Though I did manage to see the new IT movie and this movie adaption was much more than horror but about friendship and the bond between the kids; and the fact that they were investigating the strange child kidnappings going in their town of Derry, Maine. It’s the first Stephen King anything that I really really loved, as I never read his books and found them quite boring; And so the movie was great and while it has jump scares, it did have a lot of tension and atmosphere and each of the kids’ fears were explored but the humor, too. But at the end of the day, it is about the kids and them coping in this desperate situation but always sticking together and this is part 1 of 2, because the book is also done this way and they will go back to Derry when they get older, so I can’t wait for that.

My husband teased me for the longest about it and boy, did I clutch him so hard in the movie theater that it was ridiculous but at least, he had me, safe and sound, and that matters.

But lately, I fought with my husband on the fact that I have impulse and patience problems; I am also so impatient and do things out of impulse and it came to a head because I have the bad habit of killing electronics or making them useless unless fixed and that annoyed him greatly but it underlined the bigger issue of how he was treating him. To me, I felt like he gave me no respect and that I was trying to tell him that not everything was done out of purpose and that I am trying not to be impulsive and hold back the desires to not hurt anyone including him. I sobbed so hard from holding in the pain from being sick, and having my mental illness that it was difficult functioning and highlighting the fact that I have problems and am trying so hard to be good but I acknowledged that I am scared of losing him because I fuck up too much or I hurt him. I am always disappointed in myself for my actions and honestly, while I was inpatient in my youth, never had the impulsive drive that I do now…still, it hurt and I sobbed and sobbed, because once I start, it is difficult to stop. I cried about not wanting to bother being alive or how I was never wanted and thus I had no choice but to live in a world, I didn’t want to be in. Just a lot of pain that I hold back from day to day to be strong for myself and others.

This is me after sobbing for a few minutes
But just because I cry, doesn’t mean I am weak but rather that I should express myself more openly and more appropriate. In the end, I should handle my emotions better than I have been…and recognizing my triggers help, too.

Then, I was told today by the SSI (Social Security Income) office that a decision was made on my case and wouldn’t know until next week in the mail that if I got it or not, but I always can appeal it if needed, so there’s that. I am hoping that I got it…I am hoping because I have problems working in general.

Not all is lost now, because a lot can be corrected and I can once again go back on the path of recovery. I can be myself through it all and keep doing better everyday and challenge myself more. Challenge the hardships that I face.




Posted on September 27th, 2017 in Blog, pictures by Michelle. 4 Comments

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time right now. I hope everything will get better soon. Do not worry about your husband leaving you. You know your husband loves you.
Kenny recently posted…Iā€™m nervous, but on the surface I look like a normal Asian manMy Profile

Posted on September 29th, 2017, at 3:35 PM by Kenny.

I’m sorry you got sick! šŸ™ I know about that vaccine too. Honestly, I don’t remember if I ever had those vaccines as a kid but MMR vaccine is required before getting a Taiwan resident visa. They’re pretty strict about it so I had to get the shot.

Ooh, I’ve heard so many good things about that movie! I haven’t seen both versions so I really want to watch them!

Sorry to hear about your fight with your husband šŸ™ I understand both sides, and it can be pretty hard to deal with a situation like yours. But I’m sure your husband understands, he was just consumed by his emotions at the time too. I hope you guys work it out, you’re a great couple with a very strong relationship <3 All the best <3
Claudine recently posted…The school year that wasMy Profile

Posted on September 30th, 2017, at 2:49 PM by Claudine.

I loved IT! I can’t wait for part 2.

Posted on October 1st, 2017, at 2:35 AM by Britney.

I know what you mean by being mad that your parents didn’t vaccinate you. My mother did for most of the things except for when it came to HPV, and guess what? I have it and now I’m fighting per-cancerous cells. Sigh, hippy parents who are like wah wah no way am I forcing my child to do that. Sigh. lol

I’m sorry you have been fighting being sick though. I hope you are doing better now.

The I.T. movie was good. A little too long for my broken body, haha. Still, it was a fun watch.

Sorry to hear about your fight with your husband. I have no good words to give because I’m someone who lives alone so I don’t have much experience with that kind of thing. ā™„
Ongaku recently posted…Huge Changes!My Profile

Posted on October 1st, 2017, at 8:07 PM by Ongaku.

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