While I wasn’t expecting much from the last few days but a lot has occurred and a lot of it was good. A lot of the good things tangled with sorrow and loss. Finally, my mother figure’s memorial was held in an hour drive from us and while, it was a worth the drive, it still rang with a pang of the loss that happens so suddenly though I cannot imagine losing a mother or even child. I know eventually it will happen but will I be prepared for it when it comes to my door? That’s what I worry about and how can my heart handle the death? The loss?
The memorial was in a church like setting and it was quite grand and I can’t imagine how there were a lot of people and it’s true that we don’t know the impact of our bonds and that surprised and made me realize that those care about us when we don’t see them at all.
We often forget that our purpose, however different matters to each and every one of us, and even if we never find it, we can be guaranteed that we matter in the end by the people around us and like before, we don’t realize this while we’re alive and even though we should be-it takes a lot after a loss that realizes this fact. She was always trying to help me and we bonded. I remember talking endlessly with her and just going out swimming at her pool but since, it was the hardest to lose someone that cared, it is worse for her son, S. I wish him the best luck and I let him know that we were always there for him as he was always there for me.
He is my big brother in a sense.
In the end, just never take life or the people in your life for granted because you never know how much they mean towards you and to you. Just never forget that life is indeed precious and I take that to heart-take it further than I can. Just appreciate your life however sad it can be and know that it can be remedied by the sheer force of positivity and while, it can’t be entirely fixed on your own, let yourself take the hands of others. Let them help you across this journey in life.
Then, Toys R Us finally closed for good…
I mean it was the staple of American children’s fantasies and the slogan of being a Toys R Us kids forever still rings true now. We will have the fondest memories of it and understand that bad management destroyed this company but it’s complicated yet, sad too;
So, my stores are both Walmarts a few minutes apart from each other and while, I do have rides to and from, I cannot help but feel accomplished. Why? Because it can lead me into the path of being functional and that’s what I want, honestly. I want to be the old me that could handle a job, pay bills and be independent from my husband so if something happens to him (hopefully not) then I’ll be okay because I cannot count on family or even my friends which I rid myself of. They were quite toxic and often forgot I existed and just had secret opinions about me, but this is a good first step at working that I can’t imagine that I am finally sticking to.
I mean in the past, I’ve given up training but this time I won’t because my mother is working a similar job as me still under the same company and she’s good at persuading and pushing people and honestly, I am a pushover and it sucks really and while I’ve gained some backbone, it’s still difficult. There isn’t a conclusion with most things and instead of a new beginning for me to reclaim all that was lost to mental illness. Severe mental illness.
Also, with the new medication I am taking, no binge eating and just generally calmness permeates through me and I couldn’t be happier and while my dreams seem so far off sometimes but there is a sense of pride even optimism in myself and that isn’t a small feat because I’ve always been critical and even downright cruel to myself and while the steps could be arduous, I definitely know that anything is possible. Though, I still have to work on being honest with people and my feelings and not letting stress get the better of me which is tremendously troubling but as long as I take one day at a time anything is worth doing.