Love Was Nervous

It has been a trying few days with me still dealing with my illness and taking the rest of my antibiotics, and Marley getting the dog flu. She contracted it from the Rush Creek dog park grand opening and came down with a fever and couldn’t stop throwing up. It caused me to cry, freak, and fight with my husband. It’s better now, but still, I can’t imagine my life without her and thinking as the years go by fast, makes me sadder but don’t worry, I’ll do my best to treasure her and any moments with her.

Trying to bring her fever down.
Marley Commission done by Pandoodle on Etsy.
She’s better and now, after the 24 hours that passed, she’s keeping food down and no longer has a fever or is lethargic. I see her more than just a fur daughter but my real daughter because, 1. I don’t have kids and 2. She fulfills my need to have children but of course it won’t last and I’ll want kids, human babies and, yet, for now, she’s our baby; My husband’s and I’s daughter and that may sound silly to some people but she’s my ESA (Emotional Support Animal) for a reason and while I reflect back on us acquiring her and her 3rd birthday coming up, I am elated but melancholy at the thought of her short life span, but we’re always together so we have each other and no doubt, she’ll be around when I have my human babies. I don’t plan on getting rid of her because after all, she’s family and my first born.

Tomorrow is nerve wrecking for me because I see a plastic surgeon about having a breast reduction and it’s up to him to see if I can have one covered by my insurance. I know that I am obese but a lot of that has changed when I lost a substantial amount of weight: I was 268 to 221 now, and that’s a huge jump but sadly, my breasts didn’t shrink. They stayed the same or grew more? I don’t know. I was a G, but now a H, so it’s kind of demoralizing to know that I might be destined to be like my mother’s in her youth.

She had her’s at her waist and now, she’s opted for a G cup without really learning her lesson. My breasts give me lower, upper back and shoulder pain, all the time, and I cannot exercise or take a step or else my breast become too much to handle, and I’ve handled this pain for many years since I grew them and they are a nuisance. I know, I’ll be shamed for my weight because of it being obese, but a lot of it, is because of my psychiatric medications that I am on. A lot of them make it difficult to lose weight but you can gain like crazy and that’s what I did with Seroquel, of course before Seroquel, I was 171, but now I am at the heaviest I’ve been and it brings me to borderline to diabetes but I am trying my best, I really am.

I just can’t seem to lose weight despite my exercise all the week long with the dogs and my best friend at the park, and that’s a lot to do with genetics and medication, too. I lost the little weight as I did by eating less and cutting extra things like soda and carbs from my diet, and it helped but it’s not enough.

I’ll be fat shamed like always, like how it’s “risky” to even think about having kids because of the complications but honestly, I have no choice and also, I want kids and I shouldn’t be denied because of my weight. It isn’t right to be shamed for things outside my control when I’m doing what I possibly can to rectify the situation. I’ve cried about how much pain, I’m always in and my husband doesn’t get it but you don’t until you deal with it, yourself. I just hope that the plastic surgeon is sympathetic to me and realizes my quality of life would be better without my big breasts. I want to be a B cup at least and that’s all.

Also, terrified about this appointment because I’ve never been put under for a major surgery and knowing that it can be a possibility, if the doctor agrees with me and I don’t pay a dime for the surgery. Plus, I scheduled an appointment in October with a Neurologist because I’m blacking out more and spacing out to the point of losing time and it could be something wrong with me: seizures. It does run in the family and it happens to my uncle, and so I’ll get a EEG done and that’s done to monitor brain waves. It’s interesting and pretty non invasive and pretty easy; At least I am hoping on that. It’s probably a better explanation than what I’ve put the blame on: I don’t have psychosis but in fact, I haven’t experienced paranoia or hallucinations or any sorts since stopping my antipsychotic and it baffled my Nurse Practitioner but she was nice enough to take the time to listen to me and that’s why I value her.

Finally got a letter from my little brother! I had to block out his information for privacy reasons, but the letter was sweet because in my other letter, I sent him a photo of him and me when he was just a month old. I told him to treasure it always as I do for him, and I’m getting close to his girlfriend as we’re seeing IT, on Monday. I’ve met her a few times and I can say honestly, she’s a shy but kind girl that loves my little brother so much and him to her; Love like this beautiful.

My letter from him.

Then the flood gates opened because honestly, I’ve struggled to come to terms with my gender identity and what I wanted to be because being a woman isn’t for me; because of how people in my life and outside forces tell me to be; the self hate, the lack of self confidence and the cruel things I say to myself to destroy myself because I am not like all the other “women”. I wanna be super thin but due to my body shape, it might not be possible but still, that’s how I feel I should be or otherwise, I don’t have the right to exist and that’s what I mentioned above with doctors; The fat shaming. Exasperated for being just weight to people and not being a person and not to mention, that my home state of Texas and our idiotic governor is waging war over women’s bodies but that’s been happening all over the country with Republican politicians, but I don’t want to be a man, either. I feel no value in the binary gender because there isn’t such a thing. Honestly, I’ve struggled with it and my sexuality, too. Who cares what you do or who you are as long as you’re a good person? People need to stop worrying and caring about things that don’t concern them especially if it is other’s choices, and unless they affect you directly, shut up.

Also my mental illness and even ancestry is another sore point for me; And that’s just me realizing that I’m a joke on all fronts: 3 fronts: being of the female gender, having a invisible illness and being a Jew. I trace that ancestry directly to my great grandmother Gigi, whom died when I was young, but the point is, the times are getting frightening to be something than that. I guess in the end, I’ll fight the good fight and if they gotta label me a SJW (Social Justice Warrior) then so be, as long as it makes me a decent human being and holding people accountable for their actions and words.  Gigi came from Austria and my grandfather always hinted at our close connection with Hitler’s birthplace and that always made me nervous because, I can’t validate it but I can’t say my grandfather would be lying either.

Participated in Adri’s link up: My Home Link Up Entry; Enjoy learning about my hometown of Arlington, Texas. Go ahead and join. It was fun researching about my home town and in the process, I learned so much!

Posted on September 13th, 2017 in Blog, pictures by Michelle. 5 Comments

Glad that Marley is fine now!

I love IU when she was in Dream High too!

Posted on September 13th, 2017, at 2:52 PM by Sakura.

I hope Marley feels better, and I’m glad that your brother wrote you back.

I fully support you on you getting your breast reduction. It will make you more comfortable and happier with yourself.
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Posted on September 14th, 2017, at 7:08 PM by Kenny.

Aww…I hate seeing animals sick. Hope your baby is feeling better!

I feel you too with the chest issues. I’ve wanted to get mine reduced too. I tend to have a bad back at times and I think that’s part of it. That and the weight I need to lose. It can be hard to do too because of back pain. But don’t let others shame you. As long as you’re content with yourself, that’s all that matters!

Posted on September 14th, 2017, at 9:17 PM by Maroon Caludin.

Sorry to hear that both you and Marley were sick. I’m glad that she’s better now though! It’s understandable that you view Marley like a daughter. Pets really do become part of the family.

I hope the appointment with the plastic surgeon went well! That sounds tough to have pain from your breast size. I hope that your insurance will cover it, especially since it affects your health.

That’s great that you got a letter from your brother too!
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Posted on September 15th, 2017, at 3:08 AM by Cat.

You and Marley are lucky to have and love each other!
What happened with the doctor? How are you?
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Posted on September 24th, 2017, at 12:01 AM by Eirene.

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