I disappeared again and for good reason…
I didn’t mean to but honestly, with the way things are happening around me that it felt like the right thing to do.
Is that really the reason why? Well, first things, therapy is going not so well because honestly, I don’t know or unwilling to do much on it and it’s difficult not to get back into bad habits and one habit cost me a lot and possibly my job. I just don’t know. The gist of it is merely that I got upset and self harmed at work (AGAIN!) and this time, I told one of the management staff and suddenly, I’m suspended until further notice pending investigation and don’t understand it all. HR disaster. I wonder what will happen to me and my job. It just started with an employee that came into my line and was indignant because his chip in his card wouldn’t be read and he continually made a fuss and scene at the end, where he was yelling at me and being belligerent. I was totally gaslight by my assistant manager that said I had no idea what it meant and the employee was being just that, and in the end, his bank was the one that was restricting his card.
I’m tired of the nonsense of that anyway that I can express my current or any anxieties is deemed excuses and that I don’t have any real way like always. Sure, self harm is bad and all, but in the end, yelling and being blamed is my triggers big time and I’m getting tired of the hours being off and on, so that’s why I only work weekends now but even then, it’s a nightmare. It’s a nightmare that I have to wait for the whole conclusion of the investigation and not work my scheduled shifts.
I honestly shouldn’t be working but here I am.
I’m doing what I can be functional but failing so miserably.
I won’t “whine” because honestly, that’s all people seem to think all I do when of course, I’m always fighting the hardest battles in my head and my medication that wears me down so much. It’s aggravating and exhausting and I wished that people were definitely kinder to those that they don’t know. Not everyone can take a very intense person nor deal with situations on the fly and my medicine does wear me down but honestly, I’m at the highest dosages that I can be and I’ve even cut down on my sleeping meds and still no respite for me. Sleep is bad and spending was happening but I’m trying to curb it at the best I can but it sucks in the end.
I just don’t like people’s verbiage that much and feel like I suck at things but in the end, I’m great at what I do but am I recognized? No. NO one cares about me in the latest.
Though a good thing happened and my younger bro got a dog and Marley (my yellow Labrador) met this new dog (a German Shepard) and they played. I would link a video but here we are 😀
Marley and Luna
That video of the dogs playing is so cute. It’s great that they like each other! I am so sorry to hear about what happened at work and the response to it. I am not sure the laws where you are and can’t remember which state you’re in to try and look anything up but you may want to check into laws about discrimination due to mental health and ensure that everything they do along the way is not discriminatory. That’s what happened with me and work and now I am in the middle of a Human Rights complaint against the bank.
As for therapy, self-harm, and medication, give yourself a break, no one is perfect and you had been trying so hard there for a long time and were doing really good. Take a step back and re-look at things. Ask yourself why, in your own words, you are “unwilling to do much on it and it’s difficult not to get back into bad habits”. There are a lot of emotions going into any sort of decision, any sort of situation, any sort of anything really and sometimes it’s so easy to let them get in the way and just says “no, I am upset, I am not doing that” but if you take that emotion out of the equation and really look at it from a non-emotional point of view it might shed some light on it.. if that makes sense? I hope so. I know what I am trying to get at, just not sure if I know how to explain it. You have come so far, I really hope you can take a deep breath, sort some things out and keep moving forward. Reach out to someone (myself included) if you need to, you can do this!