Dreaming Through the Noise

This year, or rather last year (2020) was certainly fraught with a lot of fighting and a lot of death, but even still, even now at this new year of 2021, there is a resolve in me that I cannot forget nor get rid of because to me, there is no real resolution except what I wish for every year and what I always strive towards no matter if it’s now or later, to be a better person than I was the day before. I think a lot of the time that we think that a new year means a resolution that we can’t possibly keep but really, we don’t need a new year to work on ourselves but rather a determination and a will to strive to be a better version of what we’ve done and avoid the same mistakes that we made before. I think besides the only real funny resolution that I have is to pet more doggos, but that goes without saying, honestly. In the end, you don’t need a new year to be a catalyst for yourself, just work on it now and you’ll achieve it. That’s what I feel in my own heart to be true.

I know my previous year (2020) was terrible starting with the death of my therapist to some unknown illness (before COVID) and going to her funeral in January, then self harming at work at Winco and trying to self sabotage. In the end, I lost that job but gained a new one-a better opportunity at Tom Thumb, a smaller and nicer grocery chain that didn’t have too much of expectations except doing your best and following instructions etc; Also, I’ve been a terrible wife and person to my husband, for spending money then going around and lying about it. I didn’t deserve him and still don’t, but if that’s a will there’s a way, and with the death of my therapist and a new therapist through Teladoc, I am beginning to sort through my issues and work on me. I’m facing those issues that I long avoided or feigned ignorance about, because in order to get better, I had to attempt, and do it. I had to and while, I have BPD, and other mental illnesses, I still function and take one day at a time and my issues nearly destroyed my marriage. Almost got close to calling it quits but in the end, I am working on rebuilding that trust with my husband and being a better person and wife to him. He deserves the world and he knows it.

I made new friends and kept in contact with old ones-don’t ever let anyone say that internet friends aren’t real but be careful in all that, and because of that, or rather that made me realize that we never can truly know a person in real life or not. People are unpredictable etc; Also, I’m rebuilding bridges with my parents despite their ways because in the, they love me in their own way and while it’s hard to see it, they do. They must.

My parents are getting older so they are reaching out to my younger brother and I, and it makes sense. They are nearly 50 and beyond, and my mother is finally finding happiness with a man that can take care of her-etc; all because she opened her heart and took the plunge to love again. I wish nothing but happiness with my parents, and while it’s tough to see them grow older, I know I’ll be sad when they are gone but in the end, I still love and care about them even if they show it in funny ways.

Then this year is gonna be full of surprises, like my weight loss surgery coming up in the summer time and getting paid more and I’m happy because I’m in a great place, while I have issues like anxiety and depression, I will never allow them to take control of me.

Christmas was great!

Younger bro and I. He’s TALL.
My husband, Jose and I. Love this silly doofus~!

January 02, 2021 by Michelle 4

4 Responses to “One Last Day To Say Goodbye To 2020”  

  • Kadie says:

    Merry Christmas & Happy New Year Michelle! As hard as 2020 was we made it through. I wish you and yours all the best in 2021! Beautiful dress by the way! It looks great on you!

  • Kenny says:

    Gosh, apparently I missed so much. 😮 I’m sorry for the death of your therapist. 🙁 I hope you like your new therapist just as much. And congrats on your new job. It sounds like you’re a lot less stressed now. 🙂

  • Sakura says:

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 2020 has been such a terrible year and I hope 2021 will be better. Hope you like your new therapist and I’m sorry to hear about your old therapist.

  • Tiffany says:

    That is vert true that we don’t need a new year to work on who we are. I’m so glad to hear that you gain a better job, a new therapist, and reconnected with friends and gained new ones. I hope that 2021 gets even better for you.

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