Confessions

Trigger Warnings and this post is about my Bipolar Disorder

If there was one song that would describe me, in fact there is two, and I’ll go with both. They are: Famous Last Words by MCR and Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional. Why these two? I feel like they speak to my heart and describe more than just my feelings. They are a part of a past that I can’t escape from, and once I hear the melodies, once the words become audible, I’m taken back.

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Posted on September 9th, 2014 in Blog, Uncategorized by Michelle. 3 Comments

My Theme Song

So, I’ve been gone for nearly a little over a week or two. Sorry about that! I didn’t know how busy the semester was going to be for me, but it proved to be so busy. I keep underestimating it! Still, that’s okay, because I’m happier this way. It keeps me busy and keeps my mind distracted and quite full of things to do. I rather like it this way.

 

 

 

Sleep again has been horrible for me, but I am hoping that upping Doxepin (my medicine used for a sleep aid) helps me a lot, since already I don’t take Ambien anymore. Blah. Damn, addictive things. I think my brain already knows, and my body is following suit. Don’t mind the old pictures, because this comes from our old place, the terrible place. Still, I am keen to call this{new place} town house home, just because of the fact that it suits our needs in every way and that it boosts our happiness. I don’t mind the stairs inside the place, nor the extra room. It’s roomy and inviting. I like it better than our apartment.

In essence, this is what I’ll be for Halloween this year:

The Evil Queen from Snow White.

Smiley face Smiley face
These are pictures from years passed but I still look as fabulous in it, as the day I bought it. Are you surprised that I bought it at a Thrift store? My husband made the find, and I’m grateful, though I have some choice words to say.

To all the people including any family or not or even society at large, who said I couldn’t be more than my gender or my weight, fuck you, seriously. I am beautiful and I am me. I may be a woman, and mentally ill, but I know the struggle and I know the beauty in it. I know that struggle creates beautiful emotions at the end. I know that I am beautiful the way I am, as I currently stand. I may never lose the weight all the way (due to my medication aka my Abilify) but if I keep trying and never giving up, I can begin to be blossom more. I think anyone should be loved and not judged for their size or gender, and it makes me angry that people and society harps on women constantly for our looks. Let me say, that looks fade, and personality stays. You can be completely beautiful and ugly inside. Who wants to be with someone that is ugly inside? No one does. I know that at some point, weight loss is a good idea for too much weight, but not everyone is afforded that luxury of losing it or even attempting it.

I love my husband the way he is, 60 lbs over his weight. I found beauty and life in those eyes, and because of me, because of him, because we push each other, we’ve both became better versions of ourselves. It’s not easy changing your whole life around, but we did it. We did it together, and it couldn’t be more beautiful. I just can’t express my love and gratitude towards those that have been and stayed with me no matter what, that includes my blog buddies. My mental status doesn’t change the person I am, it just masks me to a point I’m unrecognizable, but I am still, Michelle. I am still, Michelle. That’s just how I feel about it all. Don’t let anyone make you feel less about yourself when it comes to anything, because no one is perfect and no one will attain it, and no one has the right to judge you. Not a single person. I’m not even talking from a religious standpoint either, I’m talking about from just a standard one.

To say the truth is simply this: Just be yourself and you will be loved. If you can’t see the love, don’t fret, it is there. It’s just hard to see. It’s hard to see that tiny light in the gloomy darkness. There’s a light that never goes out. There’s a feeling of love that never dies, but simple arises with you and stays near, it is just that so much goes on with life that we block out that love, that light. I just thought I’d give out my own message of love to anyone struggling with anything.

You better like the message, or else I’ll make Chica get on you, LIKE THIS:

Smiley face
Chica loves you as do I, hahahaha
<3

michelle3

Posted on September 7th, 2014 in Blog, Uncategorized by Michelle. 3 Comments