How’s my life? How’s my moods? Everything is so-so at the moment and it sucks. So-So used to mean something different but for me, it means something more. I see that I’m having trouble in school, in my classes and in my personal life. I just wish so much more could happen and make this week so much better. Last week was horrible, so horrible that I threw a chair in anger.
I’ve never had that much anger but it hurt all the same inside of me. I just wish it wasn’t so, but I have a long way to go in therapy and the fact that I have therapy this week is fun to know and that my mom is going is another great fact. I hope it goes well. I hope.
They say honesty is the best policy and I certainly live up to it. I told my therapist everything last week about my nightmares(still haven’t exactly pinpointed the source of them), my reluctance to take my medication. I had one thread on my Facebook dedicated to it.
Apparently, everyone save a few people that knew my struggles missed the point of it. The point being is that I’m not normal in the slightest and that I have a open rebellion to stop taking my meds because it gets downright painful and difficult. To know I have to be different is hard and almost that I want to self sabotage isn’t good at all. I guess I’m scared of all the positive changes in my life and all the support I have, though I had to make that support myself. I had to make everything for the sake of myself. I had to mend the fences and keep cultivating the lawn, so to speak. It gets downright difficult because I get overwhelmed quicker and I start panicking, but luckily, I’m able to collect myself and get better from this. I just have to have cool down periods or else I can’t do it.
Still, it’s not easy being an open book for the world and my friends to see, I’ve gotten things drilled into my head that I’m too negative but the thing is, I’m recovering from depression and that’s how depression is. Negative that becomes a positive. I’m trying to get better and sort everything out and it hasn’t been an easy task nor has it been easiest to be that book. I don’t want people to guess how I’m feeling, I rather just say it instead as it makes life less complicated, and I quite like that.
Also, I don’t have to be in the silence at all, which is a good thing honestly. I hated being silent and pretending those days made life so much miserable. Why pretend when you can live? Why pretend when you can breathe happily or not. Why pretend, why hide? I don’t want any of my friends to hide or be sad because they can’t be the way they are, just because people are holding them down. I want them to live their way, no matter which way(of course as long as they don’t hurt themselves or anyone) but still, I rather not pretend anymore and I think that got me a lot of detractors which I wasn’t expecting. Hmmm..
Finally, the apartment people decided to fix the bathtub with new caulking, new painting, and new everything, and it shines so pearly white! Still, it is a good thing because we still plan on moving this year to a bigger place. Maybe a duplex in July. I hope so. I think we deserve a bigger place because honestly, we have a lot of stuff and eventually down the line- 5 years from now, we’ll have kids. Ah kids. The most irresponsible thing that I probably could do. The stigma that I live with when I’m mentally ill. Why have kids when you’re mentally ill like me? Even the mentally ill people have bought into the excuse that we shouldn’t have kids because of that. The thing, there isn’t an exact human being on here with perfect genes that isn’t affected by something or has risks to something, we all have some kind of risks, but what matters is how we take care of ourselves. I think my mother in law doesn’t want me to have kids but it’s more than implied but I can understand her doubt and concern even if it hurts a little.
Also this weekend was nice and glorious: Friday, I spent it with friends and we went all over Arlington(which is small little city itself in some respects, it is big and has many stores in different districts) and bought some stuff. We ended it with eating pizza and just having fun.
Saturday: another day like any other except that our computer sparked! Meaning that there was fire in the motherboard and it was crazy. We ended up driving to Fry’s Electronics twice which was funny but we finally got the problem fixed with new RAM, CPU, and, a new motherboard.
Yeah for computer talk!
How was your weekend?