Recall The First Pleasant Memory


Somehow, I ended up keeping up my Sunday plans of going to the Dog Bowl with my neighbor and her dogs, and just having a blast. We were there for 3 hours and a half mostly and I got sunburned like crazy but I had so much fun. I forgot about all my worries of the last week and actually smiled. I truly had a great time and despite the sadness and tears I washed away, I think this event cheered me up. There’s nothing better than being around some creatures you love like dogs.

The Dog Bowl Sign
Marley in the many little pools
My favorite dog of them all. Love the pink hair. 

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Regardless of the fun and despite my wish of telling my mother to leave me and that I was shutting down her line, she ended up acting like crazy and completing harassing me, my uncle, and my husband to see if I was still “alive” because you know, I am going to kill myself just cause I cut myself. That’s the biggest misconception: I don’t want to die but I do want to stop the emotional pain and so that is a unhealthy coping mechanism that I do but it doesn’t mean I want to die or end my life, but you think she’d get the hint that I wanted nothing to do with her and instead get her craziness with her threatening to pound on my door and be insane. I can’t get rid of her and my dad calls me and pretends to care. Where were you buddy when you told me you hated me? I really doubt at this point that my parents love me and if they do, then it’s really down there deep because I can’t see it anymore. I love them always but I want to rid of them eventually.

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t hate them, I just think they are very toxic and I will always love them because they are my parents, it’s just that I don’t think they are good people underneath for all their actions because they affect me so much.

 I just can’t hate them because love fills me with happiness and it’s just their person that I cannot stand and because of that, I don’t want anything to do with them. For my father that doesn’t think I am worth anything because of my gender and didn’t believe for the abuse and my mother that abused me: physically, verbally and emotionally. I think at the end of the day, they were quite young when I was born and tried to do everything but they failed in the respects that I grew up better than them in my fragmented mind. I still possess what they don’t: intellect and this intellect can be used to be a better person and a very loving and kind heart. I guess growing up in that way helped me get better at loving other people and even though I am trying to care and love myself, it’s happening better than expected. Every day I know that it gets better because I am not them and I don’t feel the hate they do even if they did and do hurt me all the time. I am better than them as people and will continue to hold that because that’s just me.

Everything is worth doing and being a different person than your parents especially if you and me have bad parents and even if they didn’t mean it to happen, you’re and I’m here for a reason and we have to grasp that reason soon.

To note: I am having a endoscopy done on my stomach and also a ultrasound on my liver because I have bad pain and also some changes to my digestive track and even to my liver. I am scared beyond belief that it could mean something. I just hope for the best and that I can live happily even without the knowledge. Even with it too.

Posted on May 4th, 2017 in Blog, pictures by Michelle. 7 Comments

There’s such a thing as a dog bowl?! That is so cute!! Although I like cats more… dogs are super cute too.

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Posted on May 4th, 2017, at 5:33 pm by Eena.

Oh dear. Good luck with the surgery! *hug*

Aww, a puppy bowl sounds so fun!

It sounds like you’ve had it quite rough, but you’re still trying and that’s awesome!

Posted on May 4th, 2017, at 7:37 pm by Maroon Caludin.

Oh my gosh, the dog bowl is such a cute event. All the dogs/puppies are adorable!

Good luck with your tests! <3

Posted on May 5th, 2017, at 5:10 am by Gom.

The Dog Bowl is adorable! I’m glad it cheered you up.

Good luck with your tests! I’m sure they’ll go better than you think. 🙂
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Posted on May 5th, 2017, at 5:24 am by Sydney.

That dog bowl looks and sounds like dog paradise, I’m happy to hear you (and Markey) had such a blast; my best wishes of good luck for your your surgery, I’m sure everything will go smoothly. 🙂

I don’t mind spending a nigh watching 1 movie – or even 2 when I feel like it – with my niece, in fact I enjoy it; I get fed up when she starts acting bratty and goes whining to my mum because she wants to watch more movies but I don’t want to spend the second night in a row doing that. :/

Posted on May 7th, 2017, at 12:15 pm by Lucien.

Marley looks so nice!
I hope it works out with your parents; I know how frustrating it can be. 🙁
I also hope it all goes well with the endoscopy and the ultrasound. Let us know. <3

Posted on May 7th, 2017, at 8:01 pm by Eirene.

I understand your frustration with family. My grandmother has been kind of harsh lately but I don’t hate her, and never will. I know part of her issue is her age and her pain though.

I hope you are fine with the stomach issues! I know how much it sucks to have pain like that. DX
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Posted on May 11th, 2017, at 3:28 pm by Ongaku.

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