Right Words To Live For

Trigger Warnings:

I wish I had words to say now

So, it’s official, my cousin killed herself in November of last year, and I’ve been wondering how I’d be able to talk about this. How I’d able to address how I felt in a concrete way instead of crying and cowering in fear, but the fact is, I’m at a loss. We were so close and while, it was hard to let go and see her in the casket (she was only 26 and her birthday was this month) I managed not to shed a tear, but after seeing a random picture of her, I broke down all the same. Who knew that grief and the process was a difficult one to swallow or accept especially when such a death happened and that you start blaming yourself for all the things you’ve missed but how could you know? How could you blame yourself for not realize or understanding the pain that someone you love suffered through. I guess, it’s difficult to process when it comes to death despite us knowing it comes and yet, we are never fully prepared at the idea of not functioning anymore and that is why death can be terrifying, almost down right intolerable, but that’s not how I see it and knowing that I suffered with those suicidal thoughts and self harming tendencies, I recognized the same worth in my life that she failed to see and when your mind keeps you isolated, you know it is difficult to get out of that enclosure and while, there is no REASON why you should or anyone kill themselves over anything, but she wasn’t cowardly or selfish. Nothing is worth killing yourself over and yet, there is worth in your life. There is always some worth even if you shutter to make sense of it.

She was more than that; Brave. Everyday to struggle through the grog of life and knowing that her life was spiraling down and while I can never fully understand what she traversed through, I know that I’ve been there. I’ve been there and so many millions have to and some lose their lives to that despairing emotion because we become conditioned to believe our mind; our depression or mental illness of any sort, but frankly and clearly, I understand more than ever to treasure a life, to cherish mine that I have and make amends with not only the past but the present, too and realize the faults in my own stars and just clean out the star dust from my eyes, our eyes and see the rain as it is: Part of life and of sorrow. No one tells you how difficult and even perilous the facets of life can be and there is no manual to help anyone navigate it, and yet, the veil that kept us sheltered and blind was taken off by no chance and will of our own. We have to see that death can be caring and destructive no matter how much we despise or want it.

I have a hard time expressing the correct responses to what had happen and while, I thought I made peace with her passing: I cannot now as I must grieve for the things she will miss and the dreams she will never realize and honestly, I wanted her to be there more for me and while, at least, we spent all the time together, we still had the bond that many people fail to grasp and while, it was harder than most to fall for, we did, and saying farewell was harder than most things in my life: worst thing I’ve had to do.

And no one will stop me from loving and holding those that I care for including my younger brother (he turned 19 on the 21st) and so, I’ll do what I can and be better and not be so flippant with my life. No life should be lost to the despair as hope comes every day and even if the battle is lost, the war is never fully gone from the minds left behind. We will stay further planted in our hearts that no one should perish entirely from this consciousness.

So, don’t stop loving and finding your worth and in others, too. Don’t let the weight of the world hang on our shoulders anymore, so be kind to everyone and to yourself, too. Be kind for you are fighting a heavy battle and you need to hold on. Just hold on.

The weight of what
I could remember
And what really happened
Was beyond my eyes
And ominously

I said those farewells
That they just leapt up
No matter how fights ended
No matter how much I cried

You were there
And past mistakes didn’t matter
Today, like any other day,
I lost time

Lost the will
To the numbness in my own
That my own soul cannot reconcile

And saying that you would have been older this year
Knowing that the first years would be difficult
Without you
And somehow, I keep trudging along
In weather
That is inconsistent with my own being
With my own weight

And I had the what ifs replaying over and over
And yet, I couldn’t say what was more selfish
That I wanted you to live
Or that I wanted to blame you
But at the end, it did no good

Your life
Your legacy, your heart
Loved all
And if goodbyes were in order
Let it know
That I cared beyond anyway

The weight of the year
Of January was terrible
The weight of losing you then
Is the loss that never heals
Could I find you in the bleakness
Of souls never touching?

And the weight of being goodbye
Would be
You’d be older this day
But you’ll be young in my memories

The weight of goodbyes
And past regressions were gone
And today, I stand at the moments

That I arise from
Today, I say
And bid farewell to the compassionated
Part of you
Of me

And say that the weight of the world got lighter
Because you were gone
Because you were gone

Posted on January 22nd, 2018 in Writings by Michelle. 5 Comments

I’m so sorry for your loss, Michelle. I hope you’re doing as well as you can, and hope you and your family are doing the best to take care of each other. Sending all my love xx

Posted on January 24th, 2018, at 4:26 PM by Amy.

I am sorry for your loss, Michelle. I can’t even imagine what you and your family are going through right now. Sending you lots of love, right now!

Posted on January 25th, 2018, at 10:32 AM by Chynna.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s never easy to lose someone that you are close to. I hope that you and your family will support each other as much as possible.

Posted on January 25th, 2018, at 5:59 PM by Edel.

I am typing this comment with a heavy heart, Michelle. Somehow, even if I’m so far away, I can feel your pain and I can feel how much you loved your cousin. I’m so sorry for your loss and I know it’s not easy to recover from the loss of a loved one, but I really hope you and your family are supporting each other amidst this tragedy. If I could hug you right now I would, but since I can’t, I’ll just be sending you lots of virtual hugs and love <3

Posted on January 26th, 2018, at 3:51 PM by Claudine.

I’m very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard it is to lose someone so close. Especially so young and to suicide. I lost my step sister to suicide but I wasn’t so close, it was still hard to handle. *hugs you*

Posted on January 28th, 2018, at 3:47 AM by Ongaku.