I am glad that a lot of people, at least the ones that understand get me and what this blog is about because for the longest time, I didn’t know what I was meant to do or just had to do for myself or others. But I guess in the end, I have do what is best for me and even my blog because I have to deal with a lot of things in my life and this is my outlet, for better or worse and I know that I can connect to people that really need me. But I guess that the things said to be through anger or even when fighting still ring in my head and it makes me understand that they probably still think that and that I need to remember that. I guess no matter what I’m doing, no matter what I try, I am not understood by people even my friends in the slightest and that is a big problem but I certainly know that no person can understand others all the time, but to be completely dismissed, hurts beyond words.
I guess, I can’t stop thinking about those words and their implications now because they were truthful and yet, so full of scorn and even bitter hate and yet, that’s how I was thought of and probably am, still but what can I do to convince myself of something better than that? I can’t change how people feel or how they respond to me but in the end, I can only do me. I can only be me and that’s fine but sometimes I don’t like the person I am and think I’m my mother and that fills me with undeniable dread and loathing. I do things because that’s the only way to fill a need in me and how I don’t treasure anyone’s feelings despite being so selfless for the longest time, but was I really selfless? I question that, highly and it is suspect to my own thoughts but I guess at the end of my life, and my today, I can’t handle people’s demands and only can be better than I was a few minutes ago and so forth.
So last Thursday, got my imprint done for my teeth and though it was painless, the plastic goop was gross in my mouth but this is the best for me and the relief of my TMJ pain, then I was wrong with the Care Credit card. We do have to pay it each month and despite it being painful, it has to be done within 12 months and while this sucks, we are even tighter on funds and won’t get many presents this year. I don’t think I can send that many cards this year because of how tight money is and also there is no Halloween party, either. I had to confront a friend about his attitude towards me and instantly felt bad when he confessed that he was struggling with depression, I guess because his ex girlfriend (my friend too) told me that he had something against people like me and they broke up that way, that I had no way to hold it in anymore and so I lashed out (big mistake) but still, we got squared away and we encouraged both of ourselves.
Battled a low grade fever last night and while it sucked, my amount of suffering is so major, that I cannot stand it anymore but at least, I am trying to distract myself with fanfictions and playing a new visual novel:
In the end, I put a list of my Husbandos (Jokingly referred as a “husband” or “lover” from anything honestly but it is never serious.) and I can relate to a lot of them and some are cool beyond anything and come from various games.
From top left : Nagito Komaeda, Arsene Lupin, Kazuhira Miller, Byakuya Togami, Akira Kurusu, Goro Akechi and lastly Yusuke Kitagawa.
Bottom left: Yu Narukami, Abraham Van Helsing, Roy Mustang, Big Boss, Gundham Tanaka,
And I’ve lost more weight from 214 to 211.2 lbs! My plateau is broken, finally!
Then it is nearly Halloween and since there is no Halloween party, me and my husband will join my friend and her brother to a scary movie and pizza eating night and that feels so good, too. It feels great to do the simplest things for a second and not worry about people not coming or coming. I guess it’s nice but sad for me because November is on Wednesday for us, and I don’t want to spend anytime with family for any reason including my in laws because last time I went out with them, they all spoke Spanish and left me out but of course, I couldn’t speak because of my jaw which I had no idea it was TMJ, but regardless, it was embarrassing and just agonizing and now that the holidays are coming up with Thanksgiving and even Christmas, I loathe these times.
I miss the relationships that should have been there in the first place and now, my heart is dissolving into sadness because of it, but the holidays just amplifies the unwanted emotion and hollowness of regret and burden. Though, I do miss these things, I won’t be sad too long but the holidays are the hardest for me including Mother’s and Father’s day because I don’t have parents anymore as I am estranged with both of them, and good thing too, I am freer than I thought possible and no random phone calls or mood swings from my mother as I still have her number blocked and don’t intend to unblock anytime soon. Though it is getting colder and some days are fiercer than others, I can at least dress up in my cute Pokemon hoodie.