Posted on May 15th, 2019 in Blog
Been difficult to write here because life’s been a rollercoaster of emotions and motions, but I’m doing what I can and with the best of my abilities but oh well, let’s jump into how my life’s been compared to the 1st of May.
- Celebrated my 1 month anniversary of working on my job, and I can say honestly that I love it and don’t wanna lose it for any reason as I’ve made friends and found a great management, which is tough these days. 1 month is an achievement for me and something that I keep very seriously close to my heart as I do know that it takes a lot of me to try and stick to anything. Anything at all and so I’m just so fucking proud of myself. I can be functional if I want, as I just have to overcome the negativity I give myself.
- I ended up losing 4.8 lbs from work and while, this little bit should maybe go under the work section, this is mostly health and how I’ll discuss it all. I started off at 230 lbs to now, 216.7 lbs and I couldn’t be the happiest person ever since it seems like I can have kids with my weight going down because of my work. I do at least 10,000 steps at work all the time as I’m always busy and just eat less overall, too. How it happened that work could be the best for me and my health. It really has helped me but sometimes I let the dark side hurt me, too. I’m no superhero at all, just a merely human being trying to navigate it all.
I self harmed
- No excuses for it whatsoever so I won’t give any. Why do this to hurt myself when it only hurts others? When I’ve seen what suicide does to a family and I’m like, why am I going that way? It’s better now and sometimes I slip and fall, but I know it’s never the end of the world. I am LOVED and NEEDED by the ones that care and support me which I’ve been so blind to see despite my intelligence. I know. I know.
- Finally got a steroid shot from the pain doctor/pain management and understanding even accepting begrudgingly that I have osteoarthritis and that I’ll shrink like old people but in my age? It’s weird but so far, no pain and I couldn’t hold in my relief for too much longer. Pain makes it impossible to concentrate and be normal in the sense of not ever aching prematurely.
- Maybe that’s just how it supposed to be but I don’t know. I just wish that pain didn’t make me lose my mind and go into self harming again, but again, no excuses anymore. Just an explanation as to why I try to justify it. Mental illness and physical ailments are the worst combinations to be honest and I wasn’t expecting to be surprised by it at age 29 but with exercise, I can take care of myself better from the osteoarthritis, plus, it won’t kill me. I don’t know why I thought this was a death sentence. I made everything worse.
- Must practice CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) again and focus on changing the messages in my head because I have been doing good as being functional is not what I wish to be but I went out and got a job and maintaining it the very best of my abilities and actually succeeding.
- Started an QnA on my miscellaneous blog: Colored-Dreams. Ask away, personal or non.