Anxiety and sleeping has not been the greatest but I am trying my damnest to get there-to reach some kind of peace in me and allow me to get some rest. I need it more and while I get at least 5-6 hours of real deep sleep which I know because I monitor my sleep through my watch, it really has taken a whole toll on my mind; Though also, I’ve decided to cut back on soda and lose the weight because I just had my physical and I’m still morbidly obese despite just feeling overweight on the BMI which isn’t accurate to people at all and doesn’t account for things like body mass but weight in general.
Even if I have lost a lot of my fat where it really counts: my entire body even though my breasts remain unchanged and that’s fine. The weight loss will help me better to deal with them and while, a lot of people say you can lose your breasts, according to a friend’s trainer, they are the very last place to lose any type of fat. Still, it will be hard as fuck as I switch from sugary drinks to Crystal Light and luckily, I picked out some great flavors. I’ve had Crystal Light in the past and I forgot how good that they tasted but wish me luck.
Current weight: 220 lbs
Goal: 210 lbs
Though because of the lack of any real sleep which have me talking about my self-harming tendencies and the fact that I am fighting them hard but I’ve so exhausted, I can’t be bothered to and besides it hurts. It fucking hurts and so I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to just do it and because it isn’t right in the slightest and it is seen and taken as manipulation. I won’t fall into that anymore. I got a few surprises when I opened Instagram a few days ago…
How true is any of that? Plenty and while we’ve always tried to find the answers or want them to be given to us, we have to realize that we must do it alone even if we don’t wish to. To live is to be alone and that’s what we all fear, isn’t it? It’s all that we fear and yet, seeing it in people I know go through the pains of wanting a reason and a person to fill in that void makes it harder to be quiet. Harder to say my peace on it and just, in general, help them out but what can I do? People have their own ways and just will do what they can to fill that hole even if it isn’t healthy. Find that self-worth in you and not in others because what you’re doing is putting so much on someone and when they disappoint you, it will crush you and make you bitter plus it isn’t quite fair to make someone pick up the slack of accepting the loneliness in yourself. You have to realize that loneliness is just a big part of life. It is life.