Unbreakable Ties

Posted on September 9th, 2018 in Blog, pictures by Michelle. 3 Comments

Trigger Warnings

Anxiety and sleeping has not been the greatest but I am trying my damnest to get there-to reach some kind of peace in me and allow me to get some rest. I need it more and while I get at least 5-6 hours of real deep sleep which I know because I monitor my sleep through my watch, it really has taken a whole toll on my mind; Though also, I’ve decided to cut back on soda and lose the weight because I just had my physical and I’m still morbidly obese despite just feeling overweight on the BMI which isn’t accurate to people at all and doesn’t account for things like body mass but weight in general.

Even if I have lost a lot of my fat where it really counts: my entire body even though my breasts remain unchanged and that’s fine. The weight loss will help me better to deal with them and while, a lot of people say you can lose your breasts, according to a friend’s trainer, they are the very last place to lose any type of fat. Still, it will be hard as fuck as I switch from sugary drinks to Crystal Light and luckily, I picked out some great flavors. I’ve had Crystal Light in the past and I forgot how good that they tasted but wish me luck.

Current weight: 220 lbs

Goal: 210 lbs

Though because of the lack of any real sleep which have me talking about my self-harming tendencies and the fact that I am fighting them hard but I’ve so exhausted, I can’t be bothered to and besides it hurts. It fucking hurts and so I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to just do it and because it isn’t right in the slightest and it is seen and taken as manipulation. I won’t fall into that anymore. I got a few surprises when I opened Instagram a few days ago…


My cousin’s anniversary of her death is coming up in November is just…surreal. It is just unimaginable that I lost her, we all did but oh well, grief never really goes away but it does heal enough to have us continue on living.


How true is any of that? Plenty and while we’ve always tried to find the answers or want them to be given to us, we have to realize that we must do it alone even if we don’t wish to. To live is to be alone and that’s what we all fear, isn’t it? It’s all that we fear and yet, seeing it in people I know go through the pains of wanting a reason and a person to fill in that void makes it harder to be quiet. Harder to say my peace on it and just, in general, help them out but what can I do? People have their own ways and just will do what they can to fill that hole even if it isn’t healthy. Find that self-worth in you and not in others because what you’re doing is putting so much on someone and when they disappoint you, it will crush you and make you bitter plus it isn’t quite fair to make someone pick up the slack of accepting the loneliness in yourself. You have to realize that loneliness is just a big part of life. It is life.

Nichiren Buddhism Event 
I’m going to!

All my Persona collection including games, figures, cards etc;

I’m sorry you’re going through so much, Michelle 🙁 It’s true, grief will always be there especially if the person you lost is very, very close to your heart. But you’re right, it heals enough to help us go on with our daily lives; I describe it as a dull pain that you just learn to live with and never really goes away. Sometimes, we will encounter things that will remind us of them and all the emotions will come back, but as time goes on we will learn how to deal with these negative emotions and eventually we will be able to celebrate their memory instead of grieving the loss. I know it’s super cliche and it’s actually something I still haven’t fully grasped, but like you, I am getting there.

Posted on September 16th, 2018, at 10:21 PM by Xian.

Hi Michelle!
Good luck on your weighloss program~ I’m doing my best as well tho i’m not really doing anything XD HAHAHAA!

They say sometimes, it you yourself who can help you and no one else. So we tend to be strong so we can do what we have to do without relying or expecting from someone else. *hugs*

Posted on September 19th, 2018, at 1:30 AM by Kenny.

You’re so close to your weight goal. 🙂 It makes me afraid to weigh myself, but I’m fine with how plump I am, so it’s OK. xD