Posted on February 11th, 2019 in Blog
How was the beginning of January for me? It’s been mixed before downright terrible as events played out of our hands. What do I mean? Our bank accounts got hacked and we lost a lot of money yet luckily, we were able to reverse it and get a new account but knowing me? I spent money due to my addiction and it hurt Jose more and more, but he kept saying that I didn’t wanted to function just giving up when it get tough. Why was that? I don’t want to be functional because why? I don’t know. I’ve been trying to understand why I’m doing what I am doing but I’ve been doing it for years. Years and it ruins us and I’m just so selfish. I’m trying better not to hurt him especially when I found out that he’d been hurting recently from his mouth and refused to take care of himself and take care of me instead. It hurt knowing that he kept that from me especially when he told me that it hurt to eat. His wisdom teeth but knowing how he always took care of me, it just was beyond painful as I didn’t want him to keep doing that himself as I want to spend the rest of my life with him yet, this was worse that anything I could have imagined. Why did he hide this from me? I can figure out why but still, I guess in the end, I understand what he’s going through when I do things behind his back which hurts him the most.
Deciding to start my weightloss journey again as I gained a lot back from my previous weight of 210 lbs which was remarkable at the time as I know went back down to 221 lbs.
And I’ll be posting said journey on my instagram because it’s the easiest social media account to actually talk about these things and post pictures, too; Plus, it’s just what I’d post on Instagram, too, as I don’t dabble too much into uncharted territory, meaning I try to be PG 13 or just under R. I don’t like broadcasting my entire life but I do talk about my experiences about my mental illness though of course that draws a lot of ire from people but c’mon, it should be talked about as the stigma is real and has hurt me badly.
Since Jose is working overtime because of money, we both decided to celebrate Valentine’s Day earlier than usual but I chose the place to go and surprisingly it’s the second time that we went there. Oh well.
Gyoza Ramen with steamed rice
We spent a while here holding hands and just being with each other and while, I’ve mentioned before that I haven’t been well and that I am refusing still to function, it’s killing us, though of course my back is just terribly pained. I am trying a chiropractor and so far, it’s been difficult and hard to tell if it’s the medicine ( Tramadol)
or my back really getting better. The line is fine and in between. I don’t know sometimes and therapy has been helping and honestly, I know it should but I am so difficult to live and deal with sometimes that I wonder why his love hasn’t evaporated at all. Why me? Why anything? I don’t know anymore. I never believed myself to be worth it yet, here I am almost 5 months to our marriage anniversary. How did the time go by? I don’t understand it sometimes but I guess in the end, I accept it like that and that’s how it should be.
A few events are on the horizon for me…
Finished Kingdom Hearts 3….
One word: Emotional